Foolish Games

Tricks of the Mind

I recently made a hard decision. I thought it was the right decision, even though it has tested my resolve ever since to continue holding this 'right' position in my mind. I knew it would be tough to keep a clear head despite having made this decision, and that it would pain me to be in constant opposition to my emotions. However, I didn't quite appreciate how hard it would be, especially as I didn't expect my friend to suggest a different course of action - one alarmingly simple (even compared to what I thought was a very simple rationale to my decision) and emininently dangerous.

My friend's suggestion was this - that I take a course of action that would leave me little option but to move onwards in my feelings and emotions, whether or not the short-term consequences were positive or negative. This course of action would cut down the room for confusion and perhaps be more painful now, but would allow me to move forward.

My problem was this - I disagreed with the reasoning behind the course of action. Though I agree that potential short-term pain is better than longer-term pain and confusion, I don't think that my own emotional state overrides all other considerations. That is, I believe that though the my chosen path is the harder one for me personally, I believe it is the right one in an idealistic sense. I also believe there are strong enough countervailing considerations to make my friend's suggestion not as simple as it first appears. I don't think it' is wrong per se, just that it's not the clearly beneficial option that my friend thinks it is. In fact, deciding on either course of action is hard, and far from simple in my own mind. However, I had made a decision and I believe it is a good one.

But, I've had a couple of days to think further about the alternate course of action, and I can feel myself drawn to it. If my friend had not made the suggestion it would have been a lot easier for me to keep to my decision, but now that it's in the mind it's not so easy to dismiss. In fact, my intuition tells me that I will sooner, rather than later, take my friend's advice. The problem is, I don't know which is the really the 'right' course of action. I can be a stubborn sort, but I also place high value on this friend's advice. My current decision appears to be the ideal answer, whereas the alternative seems more practical. My position requires continued strength and resolve (of which only God knows if I have), whereas my friend's suggestion requires a certain amount of courage (another attribute I am to be tested on).

haha, I know I am being cryptic here, even though there will be few who will even read this.

Please God, what is your will for me? What course have you set out for me? Please lead me down Your path, and may my decision lead a path to You. Amen.

posted by Son @ 23:56