Foolish Games

Fuel for the fire...

It's 9.46pm and my family have gone to bed. Bear in mind they've been on a plane for 3 hours, and in the car for another 4 hours or so today, and it's 11.46pm in New Zealand.

It's good to see them again. My brother and sister have grown in the year since I last visited Auckland. My mum acts like nothing has really changed since I moved out almost 7 years ago - my mum goes on and on about things, continuing to try and give me advice on everything, whether it be about food (and it mostly is) or the state of my health or how to do things around the house. It's all so familiar and in a sense comforting, but I couldn't live with it day in and day out anymore - I'm generally laid back about day-to-day things and constantly being reminded about something simple that I can handle and which I don't view as being such a big deal would drive me up the wall before too long. I think the reminders every couple of weeks over the phone are enough. I keep trying to tell my mum that I've been away from home for years now, and when I asked her when she'd stop nagging me, she said when I got married. Supposedly my wife would then be responsible for looking after me (nagging me) ;P However, I think it's so ingrained that she'll never stop nagging me - even when I'm 30 or 40 or older. I think my dad and I have an understanding - he knows what I'm feeling and laughs when suggesting on the phone that my mum has something to tell me =P

My dad on the other hand seems to have mellowed a lot since I left home. It could be that I don't have the day-to-day contact and so don't see how frequently he gets tells off my brother and sister (which I'm sure he does). I think he realises that it's time for me to handle life without his discipline. I remember him telling me a few years ago over the phone, "You're old enough to know what's right and what's wrong. Just think carefully about the things that you do." Or something along those lines. I also inherited a roughly similar personality to my dad, to go with the thin frame - my dad likes joking around a bit, is generally quite laid back, but can have a quick temper. However, the meloncholy streak and the convoluted, self-conflicting mind I have is quite different from both my mum and my dad. Partially I think this is because my parents are more practical, and due to my upbringing away from tradition (in that I didn't have the same home country environment that my parents grew up in, and consequently I always felt out of place/not belonging).

Anyway, that's a bit more about my family, since I don't usually speak much about them.

Well, the last few months have been lived consistently at a very fast pace by my standards (apart from work, where things are rather uninteresting for me at the moment), and the last couple of days were no different. We were allowed to leave work early (2pm) and so I was able to get to Sydney in time for dinner at Alan's Christmas Eve Eve party (no, that's not a typo). Was a great party, where well over 30 people turned up. Plenty of food and good spirits (I mean Christmas spirit) to spread around. As usual in crowds, I was a little detached and therefore had enough awareness to comtemplate more than is really warranted at a party. My poor brain has been tying itself in knots recently trying to untangle a wellspring of conflicting emotions, as well as figuring out the general direction of my life from here on in, and so I ended up having a great, fun time, while simultaneously feeling a little lost. Now, I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's the simultaneously opposing nature of my character I guess.

And that's how I ended up outside for little while getting bitten - talking to Jenn, my part-time psychologist ;P She generally makes much sense, but so do the thoughts in my head if I can separate them from my emotions and instincts.

Anyway, expect my mind to unravel a bit more over the next few weeks.

The summer heat had finally decidedly to make itself known (and unwelcome) and I slept without a blanket. Alan was kind enough to let me stay at his place for the night and the next morning I went and bowled a few overs in the nets at Naremburn. Crazy stuff when the temperature was predicted to reach 37/38 degrees Celsius, but I guess I really am a committed cricketer =P

And from there I picked up my parents, we went and bought food for the next couple of days, and came back to Canberra. The crowd, as expected on Christmas Eve, was not pleasant, so I'm glad all that's behind me, along with another 3 hr Sydney-Canberra drive.

Of course, I had plenty of time to think (there always seems to be time to think), and while I was waiting at the airport for my parents I was able to watch a few reunited people enthusiastically greeting each other. It was heartwarming to see the immense joy these people had as they hugged and greet each other upon being reunited. It almost brought a tear to my eye. Goodbyes can be heartwrenching, but it can give rise to such joy if there is a subsequent 'hello'! I see my family about once every year, and my parents are quite understated, so there's not the same intensity of emotion that a saw from a few people this morning as they were reunited with loved ones. I wonder if I'll ever have to be away from a loved one for a long time, and if I'll experience that sharp elation at their return. The long, tearful goodbye noone would think they'd be missing out if they didn't experience one, but I'd like to experience that joy, and feel like I'm missing out on something special in that regard.

I have some other thoughts, my most pained and confused emotions, that I wish I could share with you, but alas, this is not the appropriate forum.

Well, that's the clutter for the time being. Tomorrow, Christmas Day with my family =) Which isn't really traditional Christmassy, just some nice home-cooked meals and quiet stuff around the home... like my brother playing on the PS2 =P

Will speak to you all again soon. Merry Christmas.

posted by Son @ 21:47