Wedding Bells
I find myself in a very... unusual place. Three friends that I know fairly well are now married (two of them to each other), just last Saturday. I have yet had time to fully reflect on events, and it will take some time to reflect I would think, for this is a momentous time - a symbolic transition to a new phase of life for my generation of friends. It is about time - I am 25 after all, and it is a little surprising that these are the first marriages, that there were not one or two before this in time and age.For now, just some brief initial thoughts, with more to come.
I hold both joy, sadness, and chaos in my heart.
The Joy
- The bride, with dad, walking down the aisle, pretty dress made beautiful by the soul-warming smile on her face.
- The speeches, with belly-aching laughs, poignant memories to touch the hearts, and celebration of family, friends and the Lord.
- The love, subtly seen in the shared looks of the newlyweds, the gentle touches as they cut the cake.
- The guests, sharing in this most happy of occasions - the conversations, the well wishes and sentiments.
The Sadness
- Of parents missing their sons and daughters. The bitter-sweet joy of giving their son or daughter to another.
- Of one left behind, whose friends have moved on. Of one still alone.
The Chaos
I shall call this a one-third life crisis. I think it presumptuous to think that my body would survive another 75 years. Another 25 is somewhat likely, but I guess another 50 is about the life expectancy. I predicted some time back that my friends would all get married and that I'd be solely holding the bachelor's baton sometime in my mid-thirties (and until my death). My melodramatic streak would tell me that I'd die of a shattered-heart after this, at age 37-39. My twisted side would tell me that I'd live to 109 or so, and thefore outlive everyone else, just to heighten the tragedy of an existence of loneliness. My realistic mind tells me that I'm just a foolish idiot, that had better stop thinking so much or risk creating self-fulfilling tragic prophecies.
What God is trying to tell me though, I think, is to trust fully in Him, to rely on Him, find joy and comfort in Him, and seek him first. To take up my cross, and carry it daily, dying to the desires of this deceitful world.
Dear Lord, help me to calm this irrational tempest and to give myself completely unto you. Amen.
posted by Son @ 23:30
16 Comments:
aiya don't be so sad la...
don't think, just live!
I'm glad u are trusting in God first =)
I've tried to tell a friend that, i think he also went to the same wedding u went to.. the other one..
He is similar to u in the sense that he is single and wants not to be
That's an interesting idea - don't think, just live... especially coming from a psych student =P As much as I'd love to, my brain doesn't allow me that luxury - I'd either be a vegetable, or completely and utterly bored.
He went to the same other wedding?
I want not to be single, but if I weren't, I'm not sure that things wouldn't be MORE complicated... hmm... what a garbled sentence...
Your latter thoughts is what my comment is born from..
I think you are heading down the right way in thought Son... to trust God with all, even our feelings. I suggest u pray about your feelings, and ask God to either take them away (if they are not from HIm and are distracting your focus on serving Him...to take them away if there is no place for you to grow them at this point in time) or to help you better handle the feelings if He wants to teach you through them... who knows Son? Maybe once you have finally learned the full lesson God is trying to teach you, and you have fully entrusted your feelings to God, your desires too Him (wanting God first, instead of wanting a relationship), then He might surprise you with something ;)
And perhaps then, after all this you have been through, you will truly appreciate such a blessing :)
And who knows Son? Perhaps God is keeping that special person from you life at the moment because of hwo you have been hurt in the past? And he is making you ready for her, so that when you finally do meet her, you wont be too scared or have your past clining to you... but that you will be, well, ready.
Trust in God's timing Son.
I have had a friend who is like you... 25, always been single, but God's timing is perfect. He still isn't with someone right now, but God has taught him (through some very fateful events - I wont divulge the story here) the meaning of what romantic love is, and cherishes that God has kept him single because he knew God was preparing him, and still teaching him, until he is ready. And he trusts that :)
p/s: you can send your photos of the wedding at any size u want (preferrably big enough so I can see enough detail :p) to my hotmail. I have TONNES of space :)
and I am half way replyying your email... I know I am taking my time, but I like to think about the things that have been mentioned.
Take care my sentimental yet nutty friend! ;)
Thanks for the encouragement Jenny =)
Strangely enough, the rational side of me is very thankful that God has kept me single to this point. I am especially thankful that I didn’t get into any relationships before I became a Christian – in many ways my misadventures back then helped lead me to Christ. I’m grateful that I don’t have a list of ex-girlfriends or even short-term relationships to explain.
The rational side of me also tells me that I’m not ready for a relationship, that I haven’t matured enough in my Christian walk to lead a wife in Christ.
And some time ago I went past the point where I thought that someone else in my life would “fix” everything. The fear now is that I am now too jaded and disillusioned, that my view of love is too critical and rational. I was a lot more fiery when I was younger – still depressive at times, but less cold and reserved. I fear that I could no longer treat someone with the same warmth I could have back then.
But, in my head I know that through Christ I can be healed, that the conflicted parts of me can be made whole again. So it’s only God that I can rely on and trust in this, since I know that my own psychology is so deeply ingrained and chaotic that growth is difficult. I’ve managed to keep myself out of serious girl trouble over the last 4 years, but at the same time I think a lot of my emotions and feelings have been dulled, and I’ve forgotten what a lot of things feel like.
So yes, I do pray that God will teach me, and help me deal with my emotions and feelings. Deep down, backed up by years of experience, rationale and logic is the belief that I am someone that is not able to love someone as they should be loved – someone unattractive as more than a friend. I think part of the problem is then that I don’t wholeheartedly believe that God can do everything, in that He can’t save me from myself. But if he can save me from death, then why not? Haha… what a mess my mind is!
You are capable to love Son, and if God wills for someone to be in your life, I am sure He will help you do that. If we relied always on our own strength and wisdom to love another person, we would fail miserably - why do u think the world is so stuffed up in the area of boy-girl relationships? ;)
I am glad that, though u r a but sometimes :p, you think carefully about yourself and God. And even though you are pessimistic at times, it encouraging to see you persevering in placing your trust in that God can do anything (and believe me I mean that... )...including healing u from your past, and growing you to be the man he wants you to be. I know that if God wills it, you will be ready for someone. Until then, you can use your time and energy to serve Him and serve those around you (which i am SURE you are doing ;) )
And Son, one last thing... I know it may be hard on you, but don't let your pessimism and reservations keep you open to possiblities. I think when you say you will never end up with someone, sometimes it can be self fulfilling - ie. you think you are not good enough, etc, therefore why try? Or she will just think Im weird anyway, why should I make a bigger fool of myself anyway?
Get where I am going? ;)
Take care!
p/s: I will keep praying for you
oops... BAD typo >_<
I typed 'but', but I meant 'nut'... u go find it.
SOOOOO embarrasing Son, pls forgive me!
*jen is mortified* :p
haha... at least you picked it up... "but" is not as bad as "butt" though ;P Nothing to forgive =)
Yeah, the self-fulfilling prophecy thing is a big possibility I realise... but that doesn't necessarily make less of a prophecy does it? (Just a philosophical question... I appreciate the implications for changing attitudes and action).
It's a bit of a quandary though... for I must try... but before I try, I should be ready. And I can't just try, even if I'm ready, because what about the friendship? How do I know I'm supposed to try with this person? If it's meant to be, then shouldn't the two people just kind of... happen?
It's all rather overcomplicated on my part... with my pessimism (realism!), reservations, my quiet and passive nature, and my shyness... and yet, I'm supposed to be the one taking the lead! haha... it's all rather stacked against me... which is why I'm "pessimistic" to start with. I have one of those inconspicuous characters - quiet, reasonably intelligent without being really smart, reasonable speaking skills without being particularly eloquent, limited in languages (i.e. can't speak Cantonese or Mandarin), no musical talent, no real career ambition (and no real idea of what career I'm taking for that matter), no special skills, not especially good at sports, not particularly handsome. I'm just a shadow really, someone used to being in the background. And when I'm not in the background, it doesn't quite seem right. hah! Write a classified ad out of that!
haha.. I actually am quite comfortable being weird, and I like odd/quirky people (more interesting). But am I good enough? Of course I'm not, and neither is anyone else except Jesus. But, still, I tend to think highly of my friends, but am fully aware of my own many shortcomings. I'm really a rather unsophisticated fellow, always seeming to try and live with more sophisticated people. The only thing I really have is overcomplicated thought processes - hardly unique in themselves - which usually causes me more problems than it solves.
I know this is my own blog, but this is another post already. Sorry, I'm just a little overwrought at the moment >.<
I guess the dearth of thoughts over the previous two months allows me a little indulgence...
This should all be edited out really, but *shrug* perhaps someone will gain something from it... like, "That Son person is quite the psychotic!" ;P
lol my friend thinks similar to u! he too think that nothing like that will ever happen to him it never works.. etc
but i say no! you cant say it never works cos you havent died yet :P there is the future always unknown.. it may not have worked on the girls you have tried in the past, but God will provide and there will be someone for you God willing =)
http://omoshiroine.forumup.org/
i side with vincy on that one...
So yeah Son, until you have stepped into the other side of heaven, never say never!! :D
Ok, "never" is too strong a word la... and though I haven't used in any of my comments on this post or in the post itself (I checked), it wouldn't be out of character for me to say something like "I'll never find someone". I said "it's all stacked against me"... I'd probably say: miracle required.
*sigh* doesn't anyone understand my reasoning... it all makes perfect sense... though it all kinda goes in circles in some ways...
There was something about never arguing with a woman... something about not winning... hmm...
aiya, you girls are both impossible wor! hahaha... thank you ar - I have needed the encouragement =)
Random Asian interjections for the day. Tick!
ahahahaaa....
u needs boosts of stubborn optimism sometimes :p
tell me u DONT like it, n I'll kick myself.. ahahah (actually, I wont, but u get the figure of speech :p)
p/s: I DO understand ur reasoning tho. I just have other opinions alongside n opposite it! hehe...
Stubborn optimism? haha... what about unrealistic expectations? Well, I guess it marks a contrast with my stubborn realism ;P
I was going to say something but the others have pretty much said it already. Trust God. Really have no idea what his plan is but it is for your good. That also means things will be painful in the short/medium maybe even long run.
I know not what His plan is either, but pain is to be expected - I may not know that I'm alive otherwise.
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