Foolish Games

Depression

Broadly speaking, I view depression as a result of one of two things:
- Tendencies to view one's situation as being without hope or joy, or irrational perspective that one's situation is without hope or joy; or
- True awareness of the state and situation of humankind.

The former may be pessimists in the true sense of the word, or people who have been affected by prior experiences, or just people who are overwhelmed by life, even though they have food to eat and a roof over their heads and are fit and healthy.

The latter are those who see the world in all its futility - for example, the greed, the poverty, the absence of love in this world, and the broken relationships we hold together with stickytape.

I think I subscribe to pieces of each depressional psychology. I feel down at times because of my own situation or irrational perspective - in loneliness, helplessness in controlling my own life and a lack of expectation that there is any real joy in life (the last has been with me since I can remember, and honed through experiences). At other times it is the futility of life that gets to me - the neverending things to do, the lack of true purpose to those neverending things and just the simple feeling that living holds no fulfilment.

Now, there's a big hole in all this thinking - which is God's role in our lives, and He is able to comfort us in either case. For if it is our particular situation that brings us down, He is able to give us comfort and has provided us with all we need in this life, and will continue to sustain us to do what we were created to do. And if it is the futility of this world that wearies the heart, He has given us hope and purpose, true hope and purpose - the promise of eternal life together with Him.

Those who know me well would wonder why I am often so sad and depressive if I know all this. I think part of the reason is that it is innate, this meloncholy has spoken in my soul for as long as I can remember. And I think it stems from the incoherent thoughts in my head, the constant analysis of self and feelings and the desire to understand 'the meaning of everything' while at the same time not really understanding anything (i.e. confusion). In a sense, God gave me the facility to think in a certain way, and in my weakness I have used this God-given facility to create a saturnine atmosphere within my soul.

BUT, God, in His great mercy, DID give me new life and hope when I accepted Jesus into my life. I now struggle with my demons, when before I would succumb to them, and though some of the darkness lingers still in my heart, I know that it will not overwhelm me anymore. It is always a fight - what others find simple often is a fight in my own head (though conversely, often what I find simple other's have difficulty with) - but, now I know what I am fighting for, what I am struggling with.

And it is this I am thankful for - that my despair is no longer overwhelming, that I have been saved from darkest depression. Just thinking of how dark my thinking would be now, and how lost I would be without Christ as my foundation, reminds me how much am I blessed, and how much I owe Him. For I understand how confused and depressed I still can be, but how much worse would my state be if not for Him!

So I ask forgiveness for my irrational fears and sadness (irrational in the light of Christ's salvation) and pray that my heart would be filled with joy for the eternal hope that has been given to us. May you all also find this hope. Amen.

posted by Son @ 23:23