Fuel for the fire...
It's 9.46pm and my family have gone to bed. Bear in mind they've been on a plane for 3 hours, and in the car for another 4 hours or so today, and it's 11.46pm in New Zealand.
It's good to see them again. My brother and sister have grown in the year since I last visited Auckland. My mum acts like nothing has really changed since I moved out almost 7 years ago - my mum goes on and on about things, continuing to try and give me advice on everything, whether it be about food (and it mostly is) or the state of my health or how to do things around the house. It's all so familiar and in a sense comforting, but I couldn't live with it day in and day out anymore - I'm generally laid back about day-to-day things and constantly being reminded about something simple that I can handle and which I don't view as being such a big deal would drive me up the wall before too long. I think the reminders every couple of weeks over the phone are enough. I keep trying to tell my mum that I've been away from home for years now, and when I asked her when she'd stop nagging me, she said when I got married. Supposedly my wife would then be responsible for looking after me (nagging me) ;P However, I think it's so ingrained that she'll never stop nagging me - even when I'm 30 or 40 or older. I think my dad and I have an understanding - he knows what I'm feeling and laughs when suggesting on the phone that my mum has something to tell me =P
My dad on the other hand seems to have mellowed a lot since I left home. It could be that I don't have the day-to-day contact and so don't see how frequently he gets tells off my brother and sister (which I'm sure he does). I think he realises that it's time for me to handle life without his discipline. I remember him telling me a few years ago over the phone, "You're old enough to know what's right and what's wrong. Just think carefully about the things that you do." Or something along those lines. I also inherited a roughly similar personality to my dad, to go with the thin frame - my dad likes joking around a bit, is generally quite laid back, but can have a quick temper. However, the meloncholy streak and the convoluted, self-conflicting mind I have is quite different from both my mum and my dad. Partially I think this is because my parents are more practical, and due to my upbringing away from tradition (in that I didn't have the same home country environment that my parents grew up in, and consequently I always felt out of place/not belonging).
Anyway, that's a bit more about my family, since I don't usually speak much about them.
Well, the last few months have been lived consistently at a very fast pace by my standards (apart from work, where things are rather uninteresting for me at the moment), and the last couple of days were no different. We were allowed to leave work early (2pm) and so I was able to get to Sydney in time for dinner at Alan's Christmas Eve Eve party (no, that's not a typo). Was a great party, where well over 30 people turned up. Plenty of food and good spirits (I mean Christmas spirit) to spread around. As usual in crowds, I was a little detached and therefore had enough awareness to comtemplate more than is really warranted at a party. My poor brain has been tying itself in knots recently trying to untangle a wellspring of conflicting emotions, as well as figuring out the general direction of my life from here on in, and so I ended up having a great, fun time, while simultaneously feeling a little lost. Now, I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's the simultaneously opposing nature of my character I guess.
And that's how I ended up outside for little while getting bitten - talking to Jenn, my part-time psychologist ;P She generally makes much sense, but so do the thoughts in my head if I can separate them from my emotions and instincts.
Anyway, expect my mind to unravel a bit more over the next few weeks.
The summer heat had finally decidedly to make itself known (and unwelcome) and I slept without a blanket. Alan was kind enough to let me stay at his place for the night and the next morning I went and bowled a few overs in the nets at Naremburn. Crazy stuff when the temperature was predicted to reach 37/38 degrees Celsius, but I guess I really am a committed cricketer =P
And from there I picked up my parents, we went and bought food for the next couple of days, and came back to Canberra. The crowd, as expected on Christmas Eve, was not pleasant, so I'm glad all that's behind me, along with another 3 hr Sydney-Canberra drive.
Of course, I had plenty of time to think (there always seems to be time to think), and while I was waiting at the airport for my parents I was able to watch a few reunited people enthusiastically greeting each other. It was heartwarming to see the immense joy these people had as they hugged and greet each other upon being reunited. It almost brought a tear to my eye. Goodbyes can be heartwrenching, but it can give rise to such joy if there is a subsequent 'hello'! I see my family about once every year, and my parents are quite understated, so there's not the same intensity of emotion that a saw from a few people this morning as they were reunited with loved ones. I wonder if I'll ever have to be away from a loved one for a long time, and if I'll experience that sharp elation at their return. The long, tearful goodbye noone would think they'd be missing out if they didn't experience one, but I'd like to experience that joy, and feel like I'm missing out on something special in that regard.
I have some other thoughts, my most pained and confused emotions, that I wish I could share with you, but alas, this is not the appropriate forum.
Well, that's the clutter for the time being. Tomorrow, Christmas Day with my family =) Which isn't really traditional Christmassy, just some nice home-cooked meals and quiet stuff around the home... like my brother playing on the PS2 =P
Will speak to you all again soon. Merry Christmas.
Season's Greetings
It's that time of the year again (though my brain has been on vacation for months ;P). For now I just want to thank everyone who has visited and commented on my blog, helping keep it a living place (usually rather sleepily alive). And I hope everyone has an enjoyable restful holiday season. And though presents and festive foods are nice, remember these are not the true meaning of CHRISTmas - may Christ dwell within you all.
About the only Christmas song I've been listening to is Delta Goodrem's version of Happy Christmas (War Is Over), since I have the single containing it. It's a very simple song, a touch sad, but I like it and the sentiments generally accord with my own...
So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The olds and the young
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The olds and the young
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
Let the War be over, Let the War be over
Happy Christmas
Depression
Broadly speaking, I view depression as a result of one of two things:
- Tendencies to view one's situation as being without hope or joy, or irrational perspective that one's situation is without hope or joy; or
- True awareness of the state and situation of humankind.
The former may be pessimists in the true sense of the word, or people who have been affected by prior experiences, or just people who are overwhelmed by life, even though they have food to eat and a roof over their heads and are fit and healthy.
The latter are those who see the world in all its futility - for example, the greed, the poverty, the absence of love in this world, and the broken relationships we hold together with stickytape.
I think I subscribe to pieces of each depressional psychology. I feel down at times because of my own situation or irrational perspective - in loneliness, helplessness in controlling my own life and a lack of expectation that there is any real joy in life (the last has been with me since I can remember, and honed through experiences). At other times it is the futility of life that gets to me - the neverending things to do, the lack of true purpose to those neverending things and just the simple feeling that living holds no fulfilment.
Now, there's a big hole in all this thinking - which is God's role in our lives, and He is able to comfort us in either case. For if it is our particular situation that brings us down, He is able to give us comfort and has provided us with all we need in this life, and will continue to sustain us to do what we were created to do. And if it is the futility of this world that wearies the heart, He has given us hope and purpose, true hope and purpose - the promise of eternal life together with Him.
Those who know me well would wonder why I am often so sad and depressive if I know all this. I think part of the reason is that it is innate, this meloncholy has spoken in my soul for as long as I can remember. And I think it stems from the incoherent thoughts in my head, the constant analysis of self and feelings and the desire to understand 'the meaning of everything' while at the same time not really understanding anything (i.e. confusion). In a sense, God gave me the facility to think in a certain way, and in my weakness I have used this God-given facility to create a saturnine atmosphere within my soul.
BUT, God, in His great mercy, DID give me new life and hope when I accepted Jesus into my life. I now struggle with my demons, when before I would succumb to them, and though some of the darkness lingers still in my heart, I know that it will not overwhelm me anymore. It is always a fight - what others find simple often is a fight in my own head (though conversely, often what I find simple other's have difficulty with) - but, now I know what I am fighting for, what I am struggling with.
And it is this I am thankful for - that my despair is no longer overwhelming, that I have been saved from darkest depression. Just thinking of how dark my thinking would be now, and how lost I would be without Christ as my foundation, reminds me how much am I blessed, and how much I owe Him. For I understand how confused and depressed I still can be, but how much worse would my state be if not for Him!
So I ask forgiveness for my irrational fears and sadness (irrational in the light of Christ's salvation) and pray that my heart would be filled with joy for the eternal hope that has been given to us. May you all also find this hope. Amen.
Wedding Bells
I find myself in a very... unusual place. Three friends that I know fairly well are now married (two of them to each other), just last Saturday. I have yet had time to fully reflect on events, and it will take some time to reflect I would think, for this is a momentous time - a symbolic transition to a new phase of life for my generation of friends. It is about time - I am 25 after all, and it is a little surprising that these are the first marriages, that there were not one or two before this in time and age.
For now, just some brief initial thoughts, with more to come.
I hold both joy, sadness, and chaos in my heart.
The Joy- The bride, with dad, walking down the aisle, pretty dress made beautiful by the soul-warming smile on her face.
- The speeches, with belly-aching laughs, poignant memories to touch the hearts, and celebration of family, friends and the Lord.
- The love, subtly seen in the shared looks of the newlyweds, the gentle touches as they cut the cake.
- The guests, sharing in this most happy of occasions - the conversations, the well wishes and sentiments.
The Sadness
- Of parents missing their sons and daughters. The bitter-sweet joy of giving their son or daughter to another.
- Of one left behind, whose friends have moved on. Of one still alone.
The Chaos
I shall call this a one-third life crisis. I think it presumptuous to think that my body would survive another 75 years. Another 25 is somewhat likely, but I guess another 50 is about the life expectancy. I predicted some time back that my friends would all get married and that I'd be solely holding the bachelor's baton sometime in my mid-thirties (and until my death). My melodramatic streak would tell me that I'd die of a shattered-heart after this, at age 37-39. My twisted side would tell me that I'd live to 109 or so, and thefore outlive everyone else, just to heighten the tragedy of an existence of loneliness. My realistic mind tells me that I'm just a foolish idiot, that had better stop thinking so much or risk creating self-fulfilling tragic prophecies.
What God is trying to tell me though, I think, is to trust fully in Him, to rely on Him, find joy and comfort in Him, and seek him first. To take up my cross, and carry it daily, dying to the desires of this deceitful world.
Dear Lord, help me to calm this irrational tempest and to give myself completely unto you. Amen.
How to fall in love - Part 3
- SMH article of 1 Sept 2005, refer to post of 7 Sept 2005 -
Well, 7 September was a while ago... I guess I should continue then (or give up perhaps)...
HOME IS WHERE IT'S AT"Forget about long-distance romances, proximity rules. Being situated close to your potential love object - whether at the next desk or in the next street - ensures repeated exposure, beneficial because the more we see someone, the more we like them (unless we strongly disliked them at first exposure, in which case the opposite is true). That's why we so often end up with workmates or the boy/girl next door."I guess the first thing to point out is that this is talking about the process of getting together, rather than what happens when the relationship becomes long distance. I'm a strong believer that people grow to like and love each other more and more (I've mentioned previously how as you know people better you consider them generally to be more attractive than strangers). As they say, beauty is only skin deep (and as the bestman at a wedding I went to last Saturday said - "Beauty is fleeting. Beauty is deceptive." Sure, pure physical beauty isn't irrelevant, but inner beauty is what actually counts.
But I digress. Proximity (unfortunately one of the words that reminds me of law and law school) I think keeps that person on the mind. If you don't find the person repulsive, if they're kinda nice, kinda cute, kinda sweet, kinda cool, kinda interesting... well, they may not have massive appeal initially , but if you see him/her frequently - briefly every day or every few days even - then the "kinda..." status they have is more likely to be elevated. And this is even before considering the fact that if you see him/her frequently, it's more likely that you'll get to know them beyond the surface as well.
The mind is brilliant at playing tricks too. What starts as occasional encounters, brief words and conversations, can quickly turn into thoughts in the mind.
I wonder if I'll see her today on the way to work? Will I bump into him at the shop? I wonder if she'd like to join us to watch a DVD? These thoughts are the seeds. They can be innocent enough. You could easily have these thoughts of a friend, or it could be a casual acquaintance crossing that line into friendship. However, oftentimes these thoughts linger, and become more frequent. You may start finding yourself smiling at the thought of seeing that person later in the day, or replaying conversations after they've left. And by the time you've realised it - it's too late - you've become infatuated. Bugger.
So from the most innocent of situations, actions and thoughts your mind has tricked you into thinking and feeling something that you cannot understand - such is one of the ways that God brings future husbands and wives together. I'm not saying that it's a trick in the negative sense of the word (though if you're relying just on emotion, without basis from getting to know the person better, then you could very well be fooling yourself), but rather, that mind works in a ways we can't always control, and the result is that "irrational" thought processes can lead to unexpected results. Quite amazing really, how people can get together, leading on from what can very inconspicuous incidents and situations.
And I wonder what God has in store for me in this regard. Will I be someone bemused by an unexpected love? Will I find myself fighting a losing battle against these so-called tricks of the mind? Or will my rational side, and awareness of this process keep me from experiencing the wondrous blessing of romantic love? I don't know... the more I struggle to figure things out in my own head, the less sense they make. So I must trust in the Lord, for the world's wisdom is foolishness, and my own mind limited.
Meet...
...the penguins that keep me company while I'm at work:
I haven't named them as yet. How about Harry and Sally?
Will post properly soon, I promise =)
