Winter's Heart
Winter begins in a week, though in Canberra it can already be felt. The last few mornings have been noticeably colder and the forecast for overnight minimum temperatures is between zero and two degrees over the next several days. It's not like I need any more excuses to stay in bed, but now, the second danger is spending overlong in the shower where it's nice and hot. Once up and dressed it's not that bad though, especially since I spend all day in the office anyway.
It's not an environment that is conducive to warming the spirits, unless one finds a fireplace and hot soup. What is more dispiriting are the early sunsets. For it to get dark while I'm still in the office is rather depressing, because it's like I never see the sun, and the days seem to drag on indeterminately.
I'm not really a winter person. The short days, biting winds and heavy rain (well… this would normally be associated with winter, but Canberra and Sydney have been rather dry since I've lived in Australia) just feed the darkness lurking in my soul. Autumn is my favourite season weatherwise, for it is dry and warm (not hot). I don't mind being inside when it's wet, but I like dry days, when I can go outside and enjoy the outdoors if I am so inclined. The romantic in me prefers spring, with its connotations of new life and rebirth. The weather is a little wetter than autumn, otherwise it would be my favourite too, weatherwise. Extreme summer heat is the worst for me - it just drains me and removes the will to be active, and you just feel sweaty and sticky without air-con.
Why am I talking about weather and the seasons? Perhaps because I feel like I have an affinity with this cold season, a heart frozen in winter years ago, waiting for spring. The sun shines through on many cloudless days, yet for some reason the chill cold remains.
Anyway, obviously I have a love for the melodramatic, and have grown disheartened over the years. Perhaps I am world-weary, and I yearn for heaven. Perhaps only then will my heart feel the warmth of summer once more.
Stay thy tongue
I have come to a greater realisation in recent times of the value of someone just listening and expressing support in a simple manner when a friend is distressed and troubled. This is fairly obvious, I would have thought, but the fact is that we love to solve our friends' problems for them. Certainly there are times where advice is sought, and times where a sounding-board is desired, but, sometimes people just need a sympathetic ear.
Being the overcomplicated person that I am, I must admit that I usually try and offer solutions to my friends problems - offer options, offer hypotheses and rationale and philosophise situations. Is this tendency always helpful? Well, perhaps not. A friend who is distressed about something may simply need reassurance, or someone to express their pain to, or just know that someone else shares their problem and is thinking of them.
How do we know when to give advice and when to just listen and comfort and reassure then? A good question, to which there isn't a simple answer, but I would suggest that being slow to speak will help. Lend them your strength, rather than attempting to overpower their distress by your will.
A couple of things that may NOT be appropriate to do are:
- Simply telling your distressed/depressed friend that they shouldn't be thinking the way they are. This may be true, but a person in an emotional state generally is less rational than they usually are.
- Ignoring or dismissing the concerns of your distressed/depressed friend as childish, irrational, unfounded or stupid. I know most people would be gentle in how they deal with their friend in this situation, HOWEVER, it is easy to be dismissive by not acknowledging and addressing the issue and ONLY giving generic advice like "You'll be fine", or "God knows what's best for you". This may come across as "Suck it up, there's nothing wrong, just have to get over it, let's talk about something else". People like to wallow in self-pity, and you don't want to indulge them in this, but you also don't kick someone when they're down.
Anyway, that's about all I wanted to say in a generic fashion. Any further discussion would have to identify the different emotional states and different problems. Besides, I'm no psychologist =P So, in summing up, like the old saying goes - be quick to listen, slow to speak.
Hope
1. Hope = Certain hope. Where something is assured, and one lives in hope of the time when it is fulfilled = God's promises. Bear in mind that God's promise that those who accept Christ will be with Him in eternity, and His promise to be with us always, means there is certain hope for believers to look forward to through whatever circumstances they may face. Simplistically, this sort of hope is hope of deliverance from our present troubles - which is certain, in that it will not last forever, but not certain in the sense that God does not promise us, for example, that we will recover from a malaise in time to play tennis next week, or that it will not rain on your wedding day.
2. Hope = Uncertain hope. Where the future outcome is uncertain, where the positive outcome(s) is a possibility, but not a certainty. Hope is present under such a circumstance where the person has at least a minimal level of optimism, as hope connotes a certain inclination of the mind and spirit to believe that a positive outcome may result, and the heart holds onto this as strength to persevere.
3. Hope = Vain hope. Where there is little or no possibility of a positive outcome, or a person believes there is little or no possibility of a positive outcome. This is not hope at all, but a state of mind where the person is clutching at straws that they believe are not realistic for something positive. Alternatively, it is a depressed state of mind, where positive outcomes are probable, but in the mind of the person hold no uplifting value.
4. Hope = Expression of desire, of wishes. For example, "I hope that things turn out well for you!"
The fourth definition is a different aspect of the word, and is usually tied in with the second definition, in that you desire a certain outcome for someone, but the outlook for the outcome eventuating is uncertain and requires a certain amount of optimism as well.
The second definition is the meaning used most often, and the one of which I will ask the question:
"Is it better to hold uncertain hope, and then to have that hope taken away (either by the uncertainty of possibilities superceded by events, or by other means), OR is it better to have not held hope from the beginning, such that there is no hope present to be quashed?"
A related question is:
"Is it better to live in (uncertain) hope, or despair in certainty?" The example that comes to mind is a student awaiting his/her exam results, either hoping to pass or get a good mark. Is it better for her/him to know that he/she got a poor result?
My view of the second question is fairly straight-forward. I've always hated waiting for a result, where there's nothing you can do but wait. Fortunately I've never failed an exam, so I can't give you the perspective of someone who agonised over a result, and then despaired over it (I was disappointed with some of my results, but passing was the most important part). For me, I'd rather live in certainty, and find out the outcome of something as soon as possible. Perhaps this is just an indication of impatience. I guess for me the uncertainty and waiting provides fuel for anxiety, worry or fear, whereas some people are better able to put things aside and deal with what's happening in the meantime (but no, it doesn't have a great effect on me to wait for exam results, but I definitely prefer to know than to be "blissfully ignorant"). However, if the situation is of awaiting the outcome of something of a greater magnitude of significance than an exam result, I think there would be fewer people able to lay aside their anxieties, worries and fears.
Now, back to the first question, to which I hold a certain ambivalence. There is a common axiom I can appreciate stating that it is better to not expect anything and be pleasantly surprised, than to expect something and then be disappointed. However, while this point is germaine, one cannot and should not confuse expectation with hope. Expectation is conviction in one's foreknowledge of an outcome. Expectation is anticipation of a desired result - either because of the perceived high likelihood of a positive outcome, or because doubt was never attached to the occurrence of the event, or just plain confidence that what was planned will come about. Hope is from the soul - something that stirs you to keep going in uncertainty. Hope is a more humble frame of mind than expectation.
(Note: I realise at this point that this dissertation needs editing to achieve a more cogent state, and that I've glossed over a few things that require further explanation. However, I just don't feel like going back over something that isn't a story.)
I am not sure of my position in regards to this question. On the one hand, it is painful to lose hope. On the other hand, it is a dark place to not have hope at all. Fortunately there is the certain hope that God offers us. Still, I find this question a curious one to ponder. The practical side of me says it is better to not hope at all, advocating a somewhat perpetual numb state of consciousness over the more turbulent alternative, where the loss of hope can be a crushing blow dealt to the psyche. The non-practical side of me (don't know what it is - whether non-sensical, impractical, intuitive or whatever) says that the avoidance of pain also is the avoidance of living. Now that I think about it, perhaps this is where I stand, because I can even appreciate how painful emotions and experiences make me feel alive. No, it's not pleasant, but having spent a lot of time experiencing the numb, emptiness of the heart, it's almost desirable to be hurt. Sounds rather masochistic doesn't it?
Do I even make sense? Well, maybe this will help. One view is a flatline, and the other is like one of those machines that measures earthquakes (during an earthquake that is). A flatline, deadpan experience of life has no highs, and no lows. Would you give up the highs to avoid the lows? Well, no, I would rather experience the highs, even if I have to take the lows as well. But, what if the lows significantly outweigh the highs? Would you swap this situation for the flatline one? Again, my answer is no. The problem here though is that it crushes the spirit, and can leave you broken. On further consideration, I think the flatline approach has a similar result, because the flatline approach invariably is a downwardly trending situation - such a situation can feel as if your essence is slowly seeping out of you, leaving a shell of the person that you were before. It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen.
So, where does that leave us? What is the solution? What on earth is the point of this post?
I'm not smart enough to really answer these questions, but I'd suggest that if there is anyone caught in a (downwardly) trending flatline, or is experiencing a period of overwhelming downs in their life, then they need love. They need the love of those around them, whether it be their family or friends. They need the support and encouragement of those around them, and to be shown what is above the pit that is before them. Most of all, they need to know the love of God, to know that His strength is sufficient, even when theirs fails them. They need to know that Jesus knows their pain, and has delivered them from death into life.
Post 50
I have finally reached 50 posts... after more than 9 months (first post on 5 August 2005)... which means a rough average of a bit over 5 posts per month. Meaning if you check in about once a week there's a reasonable chance of you having something new to read... though the distribution of posts over time is not constant, so no guarantees there... yes, I'm rambling ;P
Right, it's late, and I should be asleep, so just a quick rundown of the weekend for now.
Wedding: very enjoyable, especially since I was staying at a friend's place just 10 minutes walk away from the church =) Beautiful and God-centred service, with a good message and meaning-filled songs. Had group photos afterwards and food! Not just finger-foods, but an assortment of food in buffet style for lunch. hehe... one of my friends was telling me how intensely good this little dessert pastry thingee was and then it collapsed between her fingers, spilling its contents over her fingers =D
Went to a friend's place between the wedding ceremony and reception. Watched the Sydney Swans demolish the opposition (can't remember the team) and generally just lazed around and rested. Then, I got to walk 5 minutes to the restaurant. hehe... so convenient. Was pretty hungry, having decided not to eat anything after lunch, but still was more than enough to eat at the Chinese banquet reception. Were speeches and games for the married couple. A tiring day, though I didn't do all that much... I guess I hadn't slept much the night before. Gotta love a wedding though =)
Sunday: went to church... realising that I no longer feel completely "at home" due to most of my friends having changed churches over the last couple of years. Sang some kids songs with the Sunday school kids sitting in for the first part of the service (mother's day)... was very cute =) Also cute was the kids presenting little gifts to all the mum's in the congregation. Had a guest speaker giving a message on the importance of being persistent in prayer, as God will always listen and answer our prayers, even if it's in a way we don't expect.
Lunch was at a charcoal chicken store in Gordon... basically chicken and assorted salads... was quite yum, especially as I haven't had this sort of meal for quite some time. Had a nice iced chocolate as well and unfortunately arrived rather late to a picnic that I had planned to catch a bit more of.
Went to another church service in the evening, with a great message on Zechariah, chapters 3 and 4, which explained what the two images meant in those 2 chapters. Then came back home, having Hungry Jacks for dinner along the way. Got back around 11.10pm... and here I am... well past my bedtime >.<
Was reminded over the weekend of how much nicer Sydney weather is than Canberra weather... *sigh* is a valid reason to move on its own =P haha, but I can survive the cold, so is not as simple a decision as that!
Also is amazing how it's already MAY! Where did all the months go between now and last Christmas?!?
Oh well, sleep beckons. Goodnight!
Why am I up?
haha, less than 24 hours between posts... just to keep you on your toes ;P
Slept at about 1.45am last night/this morning and found myself awake before 7.00am. After unsuccessfully trying to sleep for a while I got up at about 7.15am. Speaking generously that's five and a half hours sleep. Doh. I was tired yesterday too and had set the alarm for 9.00am this morning. Oh well.
Yeah, anyway, fortunately my friend lets me use his computer, so here I am =)
Let's talk about plans. You know, the ones where you try and figure out all the possible variations, cover all the contingencies and ultimately have every scenario mapped out? Well, let me tell you that no plan is bulletproof, soundproof or watertight. No, this isn't something new to me, because I like to plan up to a point, but am happy to wing it where necessary or possible (not a recommended tactic for exams!). Besides, I figure I might as well live up to my Chinese name and go where the river of life flows.
Where does God fit into all this? I think God is constantly showing me time and time again that HE is in control - that for all my planning, worries and anxiety, I can't predict the future and expect everything to pan out the way I want them to. He draws me close to Him by helping me let go of the things that I think are secure - whether it be money, success, my own abilities, or relationships, or anything else that I rely upon to feel secure - so that I may trust to hold onto Him. This can be a painful process because I'm an independent person and like to do things MY way.
Ok, now I realise that perhaps I might be giving people the wrong impression when I say "go with the flow" - that's just how life's kind of panned out, where I've sort of bumbled through all sorts of situations and by God's grace have got through in one piece. All I'm saying is this - you can and should plan for things, and put effort into achieving goals that you have set yourself (setting Godly goals), but trusting in your own plans and efforts is foolhardy. I've found that God has lead me through situations in ways more beneficial that I could have imagined - He really does know what's best for me, even if I'm anxious all the way.
Almost time to get ready for the wedding ceremony. How exciting! =)
Wedding Bells
This weekend I'll be in Sydney, attending another wedding =) (and the ever present disclaimer - no, not my own!)
It's Mother's Day Sunday, though I'm in Sydney and my family is in Auckland... not that we celebrate much anyway. About the only dates my parents celebrate are some of the chinese ones, where it usually involves some sort of food, whether mooncakes, or roast pig or roast duck or something. I think my parents only celebrate as an excuse to buy these different foods =P
My little sister turns 14 in 5 days. I keep thinking of my siblings as little kids, but they're both in high school now.
On Sunday we're also celebrating Silon's birthday (birthday's actually today) with a picnic, so the weekend is well occupied =)
Has been a rather emotional week for me, with a couple of different types of discussions with friends, and this weekend promises more emotions. I'm physically and mentally tired already, so I'm expecting to have a lot to write about in the near future.
Time to pack for Sydney =)
Quick Update
Came across this on a friend's blog:
"Why have the white guys taken all the girls from the asian guys?"It's quite long, about 15minutes, but if you have broadband access it's quite funny =P
So, what has Son been up to? I'm not exactly sure how, but it's May already... and I've been a strange state for the last several weeks. Perhaps it is a measure of an increased trust in God that I have not been living in a state of anxiety, for my immediate and intermediate future is as uncertain as it has ever been. I guess the fact that I haven't had large blocks of time to myself is a factor as well.
Anyway, I finally managed to have a housewarming of sorts (over a week ago now), inviting over the youth group kids and a few others. I made curry for the first time, using my mum's recipe (which I haven't tasted for a while, since I'm away from home). Got a bit worried about numbers partway through I made two pots, which turned out well, with one being turned into a spicier version. Was nice having 20 odd people in the house =) Somehow everyone got fed.
And over two weeks ago was our church camp, which was both enjoyable and encouraging. The talks were on "Knowing God and Making Him Known". The first talk was the one that made me think the most. One point was that often we look for the good things, for the blessings, that God can give us, rather than seeking God himself.
These 5 principles in seeking God I found very useful:1. Reflect on where you are in your life with God - come before God honestly, and pretend about nothing. We tend not to be so good at this with our busy lives.
2. Recognise the fork in the road. When faced with a situation when things can go 2 ways, you can either: 1) use all your own strenth to fight for what you want, or 2) turn to God and ask Him to show you what He wants of you at that point.
3. Refocus your goals - have to admit what have been the passions in our life in order to do this.
4. Realise what God provides as a means for/of grace. God's plan is to bring us closer to Him, and His grace is poured out again and again in order to achieve this - even in a tragedy can God work His grace. Greatest act of grace is Jesus crucified.
5. Re-orient your prayer life to match this way of living (i.e. a way of life that is seeking God). If we live to know God we will pray a different way. Present yourself to God as you are. Attend to where you notice God's presence and absence. Purge yourself of whatever might be keeping yourself from knowing of noticing more about God. Approach God with confidence and abandonment.
The point that really stuck in my mind is number 2, about choosing to turn to God, as opposed to trying to use my own strength and will to figure something out. And I think God is trying to tell me something by putting me in my current predicament - where all the major parts of my life are uncertain, and I am unsure of which direction to take. This "mess" ought to frighten me, and it does, but there is a sense of peace I have in knowing I am in God's hands.
A week ago I also got to catch up with Jenny. We spent a large part of the day wandering around the city - the main purchases being some cheap CDs. Caught up with YY as well, and farewelled Helen for a year. I feel like I'm travelling from one event/scenario to the next... and now here I am, with just a couple of weeks left to do something I should have completed about 2 months ago... not to mention something else I should have finished in December! >.< The backlog of things to do has been building up in part due to procrastination and lack of motivation, in part due to more pressing concerns and requirements of my time, and in part due to a need to frequently rest (i.e. waste time) and do things that are more appealing (e.g. play cards, games (though I've restricted computer games to some old arcade type games... for I know that the whole stack of RPG and strategy games I would like to play would eat up a few months at least).
hmm... so much for the quick update.
I'll try and write a more sensible post in a couple of weeks. Hopefully there'll be some more clarity then.
Take care.
