Foolish Games

Emotional hangover

For some reason I just felt flat today. My cold is almost gone, and the weekend was enjoyable - the wedding was beautiful, and I caught up with a number of friends. Yet, I'm not feeling so good today. Monday-itis? No, I don't think so.

I guess I tend to come across as solemn, serious, sad or whatever, but today, I really felt it. Perhaps it's the aftereffects of the joyous occasion that is a wedding, or perhaps I just need to eat some more chocolate... which reminds me that I have some in the fridge...

I'll leave you with one of Jewel's earlier songs. The lyrics don't really fit my situation, but the mood of the song speaks to me (and no, I haven't been listening to it, but it's one of my favourites - there's a beautiful, understated tone of sadness that endears it to me).

You Were Meant For Me - Jewel

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

(Chorus:) Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

(Chorus)

I go about my business, I'm doin fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

(Chorus)

Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

posted by Son @ 22:08 10 comments

Sick

I am now officially sick - a headcold or something (symptoms: discomfort of the head, partially blocked nose, a slight pain in the chest accompanies coughing, and fatigue). It doesn't happen too often, and it's not all that bad I guess, considering I've been at work for the last two days. Hopefully I haven't infected anyone else, but unfortunately like a couple of years ago, it's just the wrong time to be sick, with a deadline today (I was back 'til almost 9 on Tuesday, which I haven't done for a while). I'll see how I feel in the morning, but I think I'd better get some rest... and avoid infecting people.

Anyway, no big deal, but hopefully I'll be better by Saturday, because I get to go to a wedding =) And today I got another wedding invite too =) The invite itself is so pretty and quotes 1 Corinthians 13:7-8:

posted by Son @ 23:04 3 comments

A Real Post

Hello loyal readers (well, I assume you are loyal because I haven't advertised this place for quite some time)!

I realise that I haven't written a "real" entry for about a month... and that one was rather cryptic. I know I haven't really given an update about my life for a while - I'm not really one to relate my day-to-day existence for it is nothing as continually dramatic as Neighbours or .

How am I? Well, those who have been paying attention over the last few months will know that I have been troubled. I am still troubled, perhaps more so these last several days. The reason for this state is a bit complicated, parts of which I cannot share at this time or in this forum.

At the same time a part of me is pleased, because I see signs that I am spiritually in a growth phase - I have spent more time with God's word, in prayer, in contemplation of His will and more involved with church life. By no means am I on a spiritual "high", but at least things are moving in the right direction, even if not at spectacular speed. A bit like the tortoise, I hope that slow and steady wins the race, though perhaps God has something else in mind. I don't know, but as a tortoise that at times hides inside his shell, not really moving at all, it's encouraging that God has prodded me along, helping me to venture outside of my shell.

I'm also thankful that I am no longer troubled by the decision I first mentioned all the way back in January. I made a decision, and I can't turn back from it now. I do not know how it will pan out, but now I just must be patient and do what needs to be done. So it's not the difficulty of making a decision that troubles me now, but a number of other things:

1) Work - is quite busy, at least compared to what it was before. It's good in that the days don't drag on as much, but it means I'm a little more tired.

2) The lack of control I have over my thoughts and I guess my emotions, feelings and mental processes is a little worrying. I guess I'm not a very focussed person, nor am I the rational, sensible person that some people make me out to be.

3) I think it was Saturday, while not being very productive on a Saturday morning (just wanted to take it easy), that I just felt a little overwhelmed... by life I guess. There seems to be so much to do, so many distractions, so many administrative tasks, so many things to catch up on, so much to think about, and so on and so forth. About all I really want to do is spend a lot of time writing, but, I feel that I have to do the million and one other things that need doing that are more relevant. And so, I'll slowly try and cross off some of these "to do" items... hoping that I don't have more pop up at a greater rate than I can clear them. Though I must admit I haven't been very efficient, and haven't had the energy to do a lot of what are administrative tasks.

4) What turned out to be a relatively small mouse was scratching around between the roof and the ceiling. For a few weeks we (my housemates and I) could hear some noises above us. After a couple of weeks, I bought a mouse trap (hehe... it was called "the e-rat-icator"). For 4/5 days after that I could still hear the scratching and scuttling sounds and it seemed to be early in the morning (apparently rats and mice aren't nocturnal), therefore affecting my sleep on a couple of mornings. I was about to give up on the trap, but on Friday I opened up the hatch (to the ceiling) and didn't see the trap! Rather nervously I looked around for the trap, and it had actually flung onto the top of the hatch, and in it was a small mouse, not much more than 10cms long including tail. Rather tentatively I disposed of the mouse - it basically had its neck crushed/snapped by the trap. Pretty disgusting really - I'm not a person who is completely comfortable when it comes to certain insects, spiders and stuff like this. I won't scream like some girls I know would, but neither do I have nerves of steel >.<

hahaha... anyway, I was very happy to "solve" the problem... except I'm now a little paranoid about noises above me in the house... I really hope there aren't more yucky creatures up there! It was just a little unnerving, hearing these noises, and being unsure what it was and what the creature was doing. And it didn't make sense - it's a new house, and there's nothing in terms of what you'd typically call food up there, so what was it eating? And how'd it get there? I guess there are gaps in the tiles big enough for the small creature to get through, and possibly it went out to get food every now and then. Anyway...

5) Of course, though I've made the irrevocable decision, I still don't know how things will pan out.

Well, those are the main things, but I can't fully explain how I'm feeling... I've just been experiencing a sense of unease from time-to-time, while at other times my thoughts have just been fighting within my mind. I don't mean to give the impression that I'm a wreck or anything, because, like I said earlier, I'm pleased that I'm in a spiritual growth phase, and there have been positive things happening too. But, I'm not going to honeycoat things and say that I'm "great".

Oh, last Tuesday I got my left-upper wisdom tooth taken out =) It was actually a lot less discomforting than I had experienced. I was a little nervous about the needles that go into the gums with the anaesthetic, but I didn't feel them much at all, and though the sound of tooth tearing away from the gums was cringeworthy, it didn't hurt =) It was so weird having dinner that night, with half my mouth numb and chewing with the other side of my mouth. I could only half-taste the food because half my tongue was numb. When the anaesthetic started wearing off I began to feel slightly nauseous, but the next day I was fine, and a couple of days later I was happily eating as per normal =) Is nice not having food getting stuck back there, or having that outwardly growing teeth pressing against the inside of my cheek. In a few weeks the other upper wisdom tooth is coming out too... hopefully that'll go smoothly too.

hmm... I'm not too good with these sort of updates, but I guess that'll do for now. Take care my friends =)

posted by Son @ 23:42 1 comments

Healing

I jotted the first verse down in October 2005... unfortunately I'm a bit unsure with how I've closed it.

Her footprints send shudders through the frozen winter of my heart.
And for once it feels like spring may blossom.
The cold so numb that all light had disappeared.
And yet she knew how to find me.

The false dawn still foreshadows the awakening of day once more.
And the long night releases its chilling grip.
An emptiness nearly tangible drains the soul.
And yet wait here for me she did.

A comforting caress of fingers through the tempest of my mind.
And whispers hint that the chaos will relent.
Nightmares in the unending restlessness haunt.
And yet together with me she is.

With gentle hands she heals.
Her eyes warm the soul.
A sweet voice calms my fears.
And with a smile deep scars retreat.

What dream is this?
Have I truly awoken?
What a dream this is.
Let me not awake to sorrow.

posted by Son @ 00:42 4 comments

Whispers

Whispers softly heard - two voices, or three?
A secret shared is scant secret at all - three it is, or more.
Who knew? I did, not you?
Oh, tell someone I must, lest my heart burst in twain.
You knew, did you not?
No, but tell me more!
I musn't, oh, I must! Come close and hear.
Who told you? I must know, it was a secret, not to share.
Tell a soul, I have not. Don't you trust me at all?
Well, only you, and two more, yet two too many.
My lips are sealed, but, I thought she knew!
She did not, before.
Are you sure?
Who knew, but you, and you, and you?
He knew, and perhaps her too.
Oh dear, I am doomed! What news from she?
Did you not hear?
No, I fear I have not.
She nears, you see, over there.
Where?
Here, anxious one, right here.
Oh dear.
I did hear. Why fear sir?
It was hidden.
Perhaps meant so.
It was not?
Oh, no. Not so.
And now?
Whisper not.
No need to.
Instead shout.
I intend to.

posted by Son @ 00:40 0 comments

Chatterbox

A popular misconception is that Son is a quiet, sensible, boring boy... well, maybe the "boring" part is not misconceived >.<

Well, I have evidence from my weekend trip to Sydney that will disprove two of the three misconceptions!

1. Quiet Son?

I'll use Sunday as an example.
- 15 minutes chatting with my host...
- After church service at EFCA, almost 2 hours chatting after the service and over lunch...
- Another half hour chatting...
- Break to replenish fluids - two 500ml bottles of asian fruit flavoured drinks and small KFC mashies (was feeling a bit peckish...mashies yummy!)...
- More chatting in the car to NAAC...
- And more chatting before the service...
- And then hour or more of chatting after the service and over dinner...
- Followed by almost 4 hours of chatting in the car on the way back to Canberra (mouth was feeling somewhat parched by the end of it)...
- But wait, there's more! Another half hour chatting to a couple of houseguests.

That's more than 8 hours of pretty constant chatter on my part... *sigh* far exceeded my quota. Please excuse me if I don't talk to you for another few months =P

Yes, I can be quite the chatterbox... and with three housemates it's been a lot more difficult to be anti-social... and I even find myself WANTING to talk to people *shudder*... (I know I'm probably simultaneously showing how non-sensical (read: NOT sensible) Son is).

2. Sensible Son?

Well, Son did a few things that weren't all too sensible over the weekend. Unfortunately, I can't share them all with you at this point... I hope you understand =)

---

Alright, with all seriousness (well, more seriousness), it was great to catch up with so many of my Sydney friends (I also went to a housewarming on Saturday and ate an one of our old uni haunts!). Of course, I'm a little tired now, having chatted online for over 2 hours after a day at work and having got back so late last night, but that's alright, it's been an interesting few days.

I was going to say something else... something more meaningful, but unfortunately it's a bit late and I'm a bit tired... having already engaged in a rigorous discussion on the whether humans are able to truly comprehend romantic love (trust me, you don't want to get started on this). And so, I'll leave you again for now. I have much planning and writing to do over the next couple of months, but I'll try and drop in every now and then to entertain whoever's still here =)

Oh, please pray for me, that I might have patience. Again, it's something I might explain later. Sorry.

May your days and nights be filled with the love of God.

Goodnight =)

posted by Son @ 23:44 2 comments