Foolish Games

Empty Yearning

posted by Son @ 23:25 3 comments

How to fall in love - Part 2

- SMH article of 1 Sept 2005, refer to post of 7 Sept 2005 -

LIKE SEEKS LIKE

"Look for someone as much like you as possible, because chances are that he or she is looking for you. We prefer mates with similar backgrounds, interests, values and beliefs because they validate our own; in fact, the more similar in attitudes, the greater the attraction level between couples. We even gravitate towards partners who look like us. Anthropologist Francis Galton drew attention to this phenomenon a century ago and it has been confirmed by numerous studies on the resemblances between spouses."

I think there are two factors at play here - dual cause and effect: 1) As article says, we look for those who are like us, 2) The longer we spend with someone, the more we look alike.

I'll start with the second factor. I'm not sure how much this extends to body size, but I suspect there'd be some correlation with married couples, due to a shared diet and lifestyle. The main thing though are the facial features. A long-term couple will learn from each other many things, not least of which are the idiosyncratic actions and movements of the partner. Most likely it'll be little things - subtleties of the lips, eyes, etc in forming expressions, like a lopsided grin.

As for looking for those we look like, there are several layers to this. Firstly, there's the cultural and ethnic aspect, which means most people are more comfortable with people with a similar background and culture. This usually would mean the pool of 'potentials' would not be too disimilar (for example, Chinese girl and Chinese guy will have less scope for difference than Chinese girl and Spanish guy).

Secondly, there's the lifestyle and personality factor, which would see people who look similar in style more likely attracted to each other. Easy example would be a very conservative guy would likely be more comfortable with a conservative girl - perhaps due to conservative clothes, lack of piercings, traditional hair styles... that sort of thing.

Thirdly, there's the just the similarity of physical attributes. Whether height, weight, body shape or size, I think it's logical that we would be more comfortable with someone who is roughly similar... bearing in that guys are typically larger in all directions, and this has been ingrained in the consciousness of all women, such that the guy should always be taller and wider and all that sort of thing. Think about it, how odd does it look for a tall, trim basketball player to be dancing with a short, stout girl? It's just awkward, for both people, and I think most people subconsciously realise this and expect to find someone of similar physical attributes.

Well, I'll tell you how I fit into this personally. And you might laugh at me announcing this, but, I guess I've been looking for a somewhat conservative Asian girl with a modest upbringing. This fulfils my broad cultural, ethnic and personality profile. More specifically, I guess I'm average height, so this isn't much of a consideration, but I'm a little underweight, so theoretically I'd be looking for a slightly anorexic girl? haha... no, that is neither healthy nor attractive (yes, please note girls, it's alright to have a bit of meat on the bones).

Anyway, all this is theoretical. What I've learnt having observed the relationships around me, and learning more about life in general, is that we humans are very poor predictors of details... I really have no idea what girl God has planned for me, or if he has anyone planned at all. *shrug* goodnight.

posted by Son @ 23:03 10 comments

By request...

...from Jenny =)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Son
2. Son (pronounced Sun)
3. Son (pronounced Suun)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Chaoticwhim
2. Sonshine
3. >+(=

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Being fairly agile (less so as the years go by)
2. My quick metabolism
3. My immune system

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My bushy eyebrows and hairy legs
2. The glasses I have to wear (annoying and inconvenient at times)
3. My speech/voice, that won't always come out the way I want it (varies at times towards: stuttering, mumbling, coarse and generally just not flowing the way it should)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Coming before God, knowing very well how sinful I am
2. Being forever alone
3. Offending people

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. God
2. Computer/Internet
3. Car

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Trackpants
2. Old worn jacket
3. Watch

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Bryan Adams
2. Savage Garden
3. Delta Goodrem... well, after Bryan Adams it's a bit of a mix.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Foolish Games - Jewel
2. Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman - Bryan Adams
3. 1000 Words - Rikki (Final Fantasy song)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. Love
2. Communication/mutual understanding
3. Friendship

2 TRUTHS 1 LIE:
1. I have never loved (another person)
2. My heart has been broken
3. I haven't found my true home

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Longish straight hair
2. A slightly mischievous smile and eyes
3. A sweet voice

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing fiction/stories
2. Chatting with friends (especially over food)
3. Reading a good book

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Be with God in heaven
2. Play cricket
3. Move into my new house

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Architect
2. Author/writer
3. Own business

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Japan
2. Outer space
3. Anywhere with friends, time, money and a car (i.e. extended road trip)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Become more Christlike
2. Get married and have kids
3. Skydive

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I love fantasy books
2. I love shopping for electronics
3. I don't show a lot of emotion

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I love soft toys and cute things
2. I love a good romance story (preferably real stories)
3. Apparently my 'formal' handwriting is girly (rare occasions, as these days I usually type or scribble notes)

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Zhang Ziyi
2. That's about it... normally find the people around me more attractive.
3. ---

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. Nay
2. Ling
3. Not really any other regular readers with blogs, so *shrug*

posted by Son @ 00:33 9 comments

Last Present

"Yong-Gi, a struggling comedian trying to break into TV, learns by chance that his wife, Jung-Yeon, has been hiding a terminal illness. He compromises himself professionally by taking on humiliating roles for a small salary to buy herbal medicine for Jung-Yeon. He also hires a couple of comic con men to track down Jung-Yeon's old school friends and a mysterious high-school love so that she can meet up with them before she dies." (from the Yahoo TV guide)

Well, this is what I found myself watching after midnight last night. I was flicking through the channels, procrastinating from going to sleep, and stumbled across this Korean romantic tragedy. The main character was quite intriguing - a quiet, pensive beauty - so I watched for a few minutes, and before long I was wanting to know what the story was. At first I thought it might be a romantic comedy, but in fact, this was a very sad story that had me sobbing by 1.30am.

I'm going to give away the story, so if you ever expect to watch it, stop now (haha... very unlikely I know, but have to warn you).

It was quite odd, trying to figure out what was going on. The husband and wife were so mean to each other, arguing, not communicating. The wife was hiding her illness (he found out by accident, and didn't tell her he knew until towards the end), and wanted I guess to be strong for him, wanting him to succeed in his career. The husband I'm guessing was busy trying to further his career, and didn't pay enough attention to her (which is why he didn't find out about her illness except by accident). When he found out, things changed, though the way they communicated with each other was still harsh.

Some of the backstory was very sweet. Learning how they got together was very nice - she was working in KFC and a whole bunch of guys walked in with roses, putting them in front of her on the counter, before he walked in and offered her a bunch of roses). Also, he found secretly found out that she had been looking for friends from her childhood, and a mysterious "other" love from her youth... which of course turned out to be him. What happened was that she and her friend, as kids, had agreed to circle their crush on a school photo, exchanged photos, and promised not to look at it 'til they got home. So, she had her friend's crush circled on her photo, which he saw and thought was another love (but eventually found out was him).

Another part of the story was with his parents. They disapproved of him being a comedian and basically distanced themselves from him. She wanted them as a family, and she tried to get in contact with them. He ended up seeing them on his own, telling them about her condition, and they went and saw her, telling her that it was their disapproval of their son, rather than disapproval of her as a daughter-in-law.

That's probably enough about the plot for now. It was a really touching story, bittersweet at times, with a few themes that stood out for me:
- Saying goodbye, spending time with those important to you while you have time.
- Do we have our priorities right? If time was short, what would you focus on?
- Romance comes in so many forms, and some of the most romantic are the ones foreshadowed - the innocent times spent before becoming a couple, the childhood spent playing together, or the long-term crush that develops when all expectations are gone.
- Communicate, don't put up barriers trying to be strong or to do what you think is best. Both the husband and their wife were trying to be strong for the other, but with that in mind for a time they hurt each other so much. The human condition is one of weakness, and it is this weakness that God uses for his glory, with Him giving us real strength. In admitting our pain and weakness, sharing it with our friends, we combat pride and allow ourselves to be comforted, rather than the wounds festering and scarring.

I think that if we knew when we are going to die, whether a month, a year or more, that we would all react differently. Some would be driven to do all the things they always planned to do, others would just try and spend as much time as possible with those they love, and others still would descend into deepest despair such that what time they have left is worthless, for they have died inside already. One thing I desire, is that we could treat those around us as if we will not see them again tomorrow. I think that is sign of love - treasuring a person, and the time spent with that person, as if it were the last time you would see them, even knowing you will see them again tomorrow.

Anyway, here ends another poorly structured string of thoughts. It's pretty much what I wanted to say... just not exactly how I wanted to say it >.< hahaha... oh well, not sure there was a point anyway =P

posted by Son @ 18:51 9 comments

How to fall in love

This one by request. Thanks vv for the article =)

The article is from the Sydney Morning Herald, dated 1 September 2005. Here's the opening text:

"Here are 12 scientifically tested tips on finding Mr or Ms Right. Megan Gressor reports.

So you're seeking a partner, whether for a lifetime or just the night. The good news is that there are scientifically proven ways of increasing your chances (yes, academics actually get paid to research interpersonal attraction, as psychologists rather drearily dub this thing called love; it's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it).

Their findings dispel many cliches beloved of romantic fiction - from opposites attracting to absence making the heart grow fonder - while confirming others."

The twelve tips:
- Like seeks like
- Home is where it's at
- Declare your desire
- The eyes have it
- Body language
- Be beautiful
- Choose your words
- Avoid comparisons
- Love at first fright
- Game of the name
- The beer goggles
- Keep them happy

Well, for lack of anything interesting happening in my personal life, I've decided to accept vv's suggestion to commentate on this article =P So, stay tuned for the series...

I'll start out of order, as I've written on this one before:

BE BEAUTIFUL

"Ignore everything your mum told you about inner beauty - good-looking people are almost universally viewed as smarter, sexier, more exciting, interesting and successful than their homelier counterparts. But what is beauty? Tastes vary according to culture and era, but two things are constant - good skin and symmetrical features, both indicators of good health and fertility. According to evolutionary social theorists, we value those attributes that improve the chances of successful reproduction, which is why men prefer younger women with long, shiny hair and hip measurements a third larger than their waists (all markers of youth, health and fertility), while women prefer taller, older men because they're most likely to have the most resources to invest in offspring. And - the romances are right on this point - women like tall men with square jaws, as they signal maturity and dominance."

I can't disagree with this one - good looks will always attract people. The connotations of being smarter, more exciting and successful may be subconscious, but are rational. Just think of the popular kids at school, how the heroine is always portrayed in movies, the person you know who others will fall over to treat favourably, and invariably they will be physically attractive. People prefer attractive people, and it has a roll-on effect, creating a momentum for itself of more admirers, self-confidence and opportunity, which in turn leads to further "success". On the flip side, if the outward looks aren't backed up by genuine substance of character, then mixed feelings of jealousy, disdain and disgust will be more pronounced, especially amongst those not "under the spell" of the good looking person in question.

Good skin is an obvious attractive. You might wonder about symmetry, but it's because most people aren't perfectly symmetrical (though we usually won't notice). It's a sign of health, that your body is formed appropriately and proportionately. You know what the nice thing is? It's the "imperfections" that become special to those close to you.

If you're curious, I'm personally partial to longish hair (shoulder length). Anyway, that's neither here nor there. Here's something I prepared earlier... (May on the old site)

Physical Attraction

There's no question that physical appearance plays a large role in our society. The good-looking often garner more admirers, social status and favour. We might like to think that looks are not important, but they are. Just look at who are the most popular kids in the playground, or the most sought after celebrities. Even if we like to think of ourselves as impartial and unbiased, what decision would you make when faced with apparent equality on other criteria? Perhaps look at it this way - if you were interviewing a number of candidates for a relatively simple job, where all are equally qualified and competent, and one of the candidates was particularly attractive, who would you choose to work with?

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being attractive, just that it'd be ignorant to say that there is no significance to it. For the record, I do recognise that the knife cuts the other way too. For example, people may not look beyond your good looks, or be jealous of them, or stereotype you (think "dumb blonde" or "snobby ice-queen" for instance).

Anyway, that's not really the slant I was looking to expound on. I was thinking more along the lines of forming relationships. And as in general social arenas, looks do play a significant role in many relationships.

I'll start with the "random date" idea that I explained in my last entry - where you either do not know or only barely know the person you are forming a relationship with. In this situation physical appearance would most likely be the most significant factor in deciding whether or not to enter the relationship or date the person (no, I'm not going to define dating... that's a whole can of worms I don't need to open at this point). It may not be the only factor, or always the factor, but what else are you going to decide on at this point? I would venture that the less prevalent factors in any decision would include loneliness, adventure, risk-taking and reputation (which may include what your friend told you before introducing him/her) - but even so, how much easier your decision if the person is gorgeous or cute?

So what role does physical appearance play in the long-term? Ideally, none. I have few problems with initial attraction being based on looks, but if a relationship is to last it cannot be based on physical attraction. I know I'm stating the obvious, but, it makes sense that if many relationships are formed from physical attraction, that there is a real chance that people won't see past the physical attraction when the time comes to make a longer-term decision. This would be a mistake - to not realise that there is no other attraction to this other person than that initial physical one. The problem is, this would be a very easy situation to slip into, since emotional attachment will develop from your time spent together - but an evaluation still needs to be made, and the question asked, "Is there any real basis for a life-long relationship?" This ties in nicely with my risk analysis in my last entry - that is, there is an important friendship at risk if you try and initiate a romantic relationship with a friend, but, the benefit is that the pre-existing relationship is a less misleading basis for a long-term relationship than simply looks.

Alright, so, I hear you asking, am I recommending that you only go out with friends after all, despite what I said previously about risk? No, I'm not recommending anything except that you don't get caught up in looks. Something must attract you to a person in the first place, and it can often be a physical attraction. What I'm emphasising is to not rely on this as the basis for the relationship - looks as an initiator? Not a major issue; looks as the basis? You're heading for trouble.

Perhaps you are now thinking that you have to be lucky then to find someone who is both "right" for you AND attractive, but I think God had something better in mind. You see, our Lord gave us a greater capacity for beauty than just physical beauty - He made us able to see a person as not just a pretty face, but everything behind that face as well (figuratively of course).

An interesting observation I've had though is that females, when asked of attractiveness, of if a girl is "pretty", tend to incorporate more into their assessment than males normally do. I find this particularly odd when they don't even know the person they're commenting on. Females seem to incorporate snap judgements of someone's character and personality into even casual observations - the influences can be their clothing, their smile or lack of one, their pose, demeanor and countenance. Boys however tend to be far more straightforward in their decision of who is good-looking - they only mean their physical appearance, and nothing else. You can ask a male if they think someone is cute, energetic, playful or whatever, but they are unlikely to incorporate these elements into an answer on if a girl is good-looking. Remember that I'm generalising here though. I don't think that this means that males are incapable of appreciating non-physical beauty, just that they are more likely to separate it from personality and character.

What I find happens with my personal perception is that the longer I know someone the more attractive they become (both males and females). And I think this is because their character and personality start colouring my perception of them. This is why I constantly find myself surrounded my beautiful people - not because I hang around with super-models, but because they are my friends, and I grow to appreciate what wonderful people they are. It's sort of like you getting used to how someone looks, but it's even better, you don't just get used to how someone looks, but you learn of how they "look" on the inside.

Which brings me back to God's gift of beauty. He made us capable of seeing the true worth of one another, and if we apply this to intimate, romantic partners we can see that it's not luck that determines if we end up with a good-looking partner, but God. If he has planned for us to find a life-long partner that is "right" for us, then he or she will be heart-stoppingly beautiful. We may not realise this to start with, but he or she will grow on us, and our love for this person will make them beautiful. It is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. How true this is.

So if you're worried that the person you meet will be less than perfect, less than beautiful, I hope to remind you that all of God's children are loved and are made beautiful and perfect in Jesus. And as you grow together in love for one another and love for Jesus, as you take on more of Jesus' likeness and his beautiful attributes of righteousness, love and grace, then will you appreciate your earthly husband or wife more and more.

posted by Son @ 23:04 5 comments

For future reference...

...this is something I should have said several months ago.

It has begun.

posted by Son @ 23:32