Foolish Games

How to fall in love

This one by request. Thanks vv for the article =)

The article is from the Sydney Morning Herald, dated 1 September 2005. Here's the opening text:

"Here are 12 scientifically tested tips on finding Mr or Ms Right. Megan Gressor reports.

So you're seeking a partner, whether for a lifetime or just the night. The good news is that there are scientifically proven ways of increasing your chances (yes, academics actually get paid to research interpersonal attraction, as psychologists rather drearily dub this thing called love; it's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it).

Their findings dispel many cliches beloved of romantic fiction - from opposites attracting to absence making the heart grow fonder - while confirming others."

The twelve tips:
- Like seeks like
- Home is where it's at
- Declare your desire
- The eyes have it
- Body language
- Be beautiful
- Choose your words
- Avoid comparisons
- Love at first fright
- Game of the name
- The beer goggles
- Keep them happy

Well, for lack of anything interesting happening in my personal life, I've decided to accept vv's suggestion to commentate on this article =P So, stay tuned for the series...

I'll start out of order, as I've written on this one before:

BE BEAUTIFUL

"Ignore everything your mum told you about inner beauty - good-looking people are almost universally viewed as smarter, sexier, more exciting, interesting and successful than their homelier counterparts. But what is beauty? Tastes vary according to culture and era, but two things are constant - good skin and symmetrical features, both indicators of good health and fertility. According to evolutionary social theorists, we value those attributes that improve the chances of successful reproduction, which is why men prefer younger women with long, shiny hair and hip measurements a third larger than their waists (all markers of youth, health and fertility), while women prefer taller, older men because they're most likely to have the most resources to invest in offspring. And - the romances are right on this point - women like tall men with square jaws, as they signal maturity and dominance."

I can't disagree with this one - good looks will always attract people. The connotations of being smarter, more exciting and successful may be subconscious, but are rational. Just think of the popular kids at school, how the heroine is always portrayed in movies, the person you know who others will fall over to treat favourably, and invariably they will be physically attractive. People prefer attractive people, and it has a roll-on effect, creating a momentum for itself of more admirers, self-confidence and opportunity, which in turn leads to further "success". On the flip side, if the outward looks aren't backed up by genuine substance of character, then mixed feelings of jealousy, disdain and disgust will be more pronounced, especially amongst those not "under the spell" of the good looking person in question.

Good skin is an obvious attractive. You might wonder about symmetry, but it's because most people aren't perfectly symmetrical (though we usually won't notice). It's a sign of health, that your body is formed appropriately and proportionately. You know what the nice thing is? It's the "imperfections" that become special to those close to you.

If you're curious, I'm personally partial to longish hair (shoulder length). Anyway, that's neither here nor there. Here's something I prepared earlier... (May on the old site)

Physical Attraction

There's no question that physical appearance plays a large role in our society. The good-looking often garner more admirers, social status and favour. We might like to think that looks are not important, but they are. Just look at who are the most popular kids in the playground, or the most sought after celebrities. Even if we like to think of ourselves as impartial and unbiased, what decision would you make when faced with apparent equality on other criteria? Perhaps look at it this way - if you were interviewing a number of candidates for a relatively simple job, where all are equally qualified and competent, and one of the candidates was particularly attractive, who would you choose to work with?

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being attractive, just that it'd be ignorant to say that there is no significance to it. For the record, I do recognise that the knife cuts the other way too. For example, people may not look beyond your good looks, or be jealous of them, or stereotype you (think "dumb blonde" or "snobby ice-queen" for instance).

Anyway, that's not really the slant I was looking to expound on. I was thinking more along the lines of forming relationships. And as in general social arenas, looks do play a significant role in many relationships.

I'll start with the "random date" idea that I explained in my last entry - where you either do not know or only barely know the person you are forming a relationship with. In this situation physical appearance would most likely be the most significant factor in deciding whether or not to enter the relationship or date the person (no, I'm not going to define dating... that's a whole can of worms I don't need to open at this point). It may not be the only factor, or always the factor, but what else are you going to decide on at this point? I would venture that the less prevalent factors in any decision would include loneliness, adventure, risk-taking and reputation (which may include what your friend told you before introducing him/her) - but even so, how much easier your decision if the person is gorgeous or cute?

So what role does physical appearance play in the long-term? Ideally, none. I have few problems with initial attraction being based on looks, but if a relationship is to last it cannot be based on physical attraction. I know I'm stating the obvious, but, it makes sense that if many relationships are formed from physical attraction, that there is a real chance that people won't see past the physical attraction when the time comes to make a longer-term decision. This would be a mistake - to not realise that there is no other attraction to this other person than that initial physical one. The problem is, this would be a very easy situation to slip into, since emotional attachment will develop from your time spent together - but an evaluation still needs to be made, and the question asked, "Is there any real basis for a life-long relationship?" This ties in nicely with my risk analysis in my last entry - that is, there is an important friendship at risk if you try and initiate a romantic relationship with a friend, but, the benefit is that the pre-existing relationship is a less misleading basis for a long-term relationship than simply looks.

Alright, so, I hear you asking, am I recommending that you only go out with friends after all, despite what I said previously about risk? No, I'm not recommending anything except that you don't get caught up in looks. Something must attract you to a person in the first place, and it can often be a physical attraction. What I'm emphasising is to not rely on this as the basis for the relationship - looks as an initiator? Not a major issue; looks as the basis? You're heading for trouble.

Perhaps you are now thinking that you have to be lucky then to find someone who is both "right" for you AND attractive, but I think God had something better in mind. You see, our Lord gave us a greater capacity for beauty than just physical beauty - He made us able to see a person as not just a pretty face, but everything behind that face as well (figuratively of course).

An interesting observation I've had though is that females, when asked of attractiveness, of if a girl is "pretty", tend to incorporate more into their assessment than males normally do. I find this particularly odd when they don't even know the person they're commenting on. Females seem to incorporate snap judgements of someone's character and personality into even casual observations - the influences can be their clothing, their smile or lack of one, their pose, demeanor and countenance. Boys however tend to be far more straightforward in their decision of who is good-looking - they only mean their physical appearance, and nothing else. You can ask a male if they think someone is cute, energetic, playful or whatever, but they are unlikely to incorporate these elements into an answer on if a girl is good-looking. Remember that I'm generalising here though. I don't think that this means that males are incapable of appreciating non-physical beauty, just that they are more likely to separate it from personality and character.

What I find happens with my personal perception is that the longer I know someone the more attractive they become (both males and females). And I think this is because their character and personality start colouring my perception of them. This is why I constantly find myself surrounded my beautiful people - not because I hang around with super-models, but because they are my friends, and I grow to appreciate what wonderful people they are. It's sort of like you getting used to how someone looks, but it's even better, you don't just get used to how someone looks, but you learn of how they "look" on the inside.

Which brings me back to God's gift of beauty. He made us capable of seeing the true worth of one another, and if we apply this to intimate, romantic partners we can see that it's not luck that determines if we end up with a good-looking partner, but God. If he has planned for us to find a life-long partner that is "right" for us, then he or she will be heart-stoppingly beautiful. We may not realise this to start with, but he or she will grow on us, and our love for this person will make them beautiful. It is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. How true this is.

So if you're worried that the person you meet will be less than perfect, less than beautiful, I hope to remind you that all of God's children are loved and are made beautiful and perfect in Jesus. And as you grow together in love for one another and love for Jesus, as you take on more of Jesus' likeness and his beautiful attributes of righteousness, love and grace, then will you appreciate your earthly husband or wife more and more.

posted by Son @ 23:04