Fury
I talked with mum yesterday about how I’m limited in what I can do (in relation to running a business) because I am just one person. This lead to the inevitable question, “Are you still single?” and associated questions. Well, I can’t remember conversations verbatim, but here’s a taste of what went on. Bear on mind this was in Chinese, in which I have a limited vocab, so some of it comes across a bit strange… or it might just be my sense of humour ;P hehe… I pretty much joke about it, while my mum is probably genuinely getting more worried as the years go by. Not that I want to worry her, but that her repeatedly asking the same kind of stuff doesn’t help, and I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do… it’s not like I DON’T want to find someone… anyway…
Mum: Why is so hard for you to find someone?
Son: Because I’m just different.M: Is it really so hard?
S: Well, yes. Everyone comes from different backgrounds these days. It’s not like we all grow up in the same village/town like it was with you and dad in Cambodia, and hence have similar expectations and backgrounds. The people I meet all come from varying backgrounds, and it doesn’t mean I can’t get along with them… it’s just more… difficult… finding someone of a similar vein.M: Are you too slow and all the good ones have been taken already?
S: It’s not like I haven’t been trying.M: How come other people can find someone?
S: I don’t know. I’m just different.M: Are you preparing yourself to be a bachelor?
S: No, but I’m not holding out much hope. My friends say I’m still young, but time passes very quickly.
M: Yes, you are still young. Just don’t take too long. Not longer than 30 (years old). If you don’t make an effort to find someone you’ll find yourself old very soon.
S: It’s not like going to a supermarket to buy a chicken, “Hmmm… I want that one!” What do you expect me to do? It’s not like I can go outside and dig holes in search of one, “Are you there?”
M: If it’s so difficult, then dad can help you find one.
S: If dad’s going to do that there’s no way I’m moving back to Sydney! (My parents are looking to live in Sydney eventually)
Not exactly how the conversation went, but I’m sure you get the idea. I have my parents worrying that I’m getting on a bit and showing no signs of even getting a girlfriend. I have my friends telling me that I’m still young, that I have nothing to worry about. I have my heart telling me that this (love and marriage) is important to me. I have my experience telling me that I’m unwanted.
The end result? I give up. It’s all too difficult. It’s a load of rubbish distracting me, wasting my time and energy. I cannot be Mr Darcy. I am not Romeo. Nor am I Don Juan DeMarco. I am a neurotic, silly, conflicted and flawed clown named Son. I talk too much, think too much. I can be a no-nonsense realist such that the optimists will paint me a pessimist, while the pessimists can’t accept my idealism. I can be stubborn, contentious, quick-tempered and think that I am usually right, even if others won’t or can’t understand. I’ll laugh at my own obscure jokes, and joke with cynicism and sarcasm. I have a chip on each shoulder and darkness trying to press in on me. I hold fire caged within and am prone to moodiness and brooding. You might find me boring to be around. I am frequently self-absorbed and selfish. You might find me depressive and difficult to be around. I can be vague and distant, vacant and dreary. I might run a point into the ground. I can wallow in self-pity and all luck has deserted me. I can be lazy and I procrastinate. My time can waste away while I psychoanalyse why any action is futile, or be lost in a mindless state, attempting to avoid the wellspring of thoughts. I’ll focus on the problem rather than the solution. I’ll dwell on the past and what is real and present, rather than looking to the future with hope and enthusiasm. I don’t understand the people around me, just as I am unreasonable to them. Now you want to tell me that I’m wrong? I’m really not that hopeless – a decent person? There is nothing wrong with me – I’m not deadweight? Well, Sir, perhaps thou art sorely mistaken. Perhaps, Milady, thou hast not known me... the heart of me… broken… like so many souls in this fallen world. I am sorry. I cannot be the person you want me to be. I cannot be the person you expect me to be.
Speechless
It's been an interesting week or so. In my last entry I mentioned how I was sick. I had Wednesday off work, but worked on Thursday and Friday - not feeling 100% but slightly better than Wednesday. By Saturday I was feeling almost normal, except for a slight cough. So, it wasn't enough to stop me snowboarding. It was fun, but there wasn't enough time. I managed to avoid any serious injury, though given another hour or two I quite possibly could have remedied that.
Well, instead of an injury my throat took a turn for the worse and I was hoarse, with my voice sounding like gravel, by the time we boarded the bus home. Despite this, I managed to talk virtually all the way through the 2.5 hour trip back to Canberra. Silly you say? Well, perhaps, but it would have been a dreadfully boring trip otherwise, so it was worth it… even if I was to know what was to come. For, not surprisingly, I woke up on Sunday unable to speak above a whisper (or a croaking word or two if I took a big effort).
I saw the doctor on Monday afternoon, and she said that I had laryngitis (inflamed voice box), which in almost all cases is caused by a viral infection (which would be the cold I had, which is still lingering in my system today). The remedy? Don't talk too much. She also said that the average time for things to improve was 48 hours. Well, this is my fourth day now without speech, so I must have really aggravated it with all my talking on Saturday huh?
At any rate, I guess I've pretty much done what I would have, like:
- Lunch out on Sunday with 10 others
- Dinner out on Sunday with 5 others
- Dinner out on Monday with 10 others
- Work on half of Monday, and all of Tuesday and Wednesday
I must say that it has been an interesting experience. Occasionally it has been frustrating, but on the whole it's been quite good, and even fun.
Some events:
- I handed the phone to one of my friends to answer, and she decided to be funny and answered it with "Hello, Son's secretary speaking". After asking who it was she found out that it was my dad and responded with "Sorry Uncle…" Of course I was laughing =)
- Having to buy lunch today and yesterday, I had to write down what I wanted on a post-it and hand it over the counter. Really bizarre experience (then again, the whole scenario is rather unique to me).
- Trying to mime things in order to socialise during the meals I had with others. If all else failed I could always resort to my trusty pen and paper =P
- Peoples' first reactions to finding out that I've lost my voice. Has ranged from laughter to pity (or both). Personally I find the situation rather amusing.
The frustrations:
- Not being able to order food as I normally would (verbally).
- Not being able to tell my parents why I can't speak to them. My housemate explained to them, so I hope they understand, but I think they kept thinking that I was just not available to speak or something, rather than being unable to.
- Having more difficulty defending myself from peoples' comments/jokes.
- Having more difficulty making jokes… though at the same time have been new opportunities for jokes too, or an improved effect of any jokes made.
- Not being able to clarify things at work, so just have to wait 'til I can speak where it's not urgent.
- Not being able to say things like "thank you", so instead I've had to mouth/whisper these little courtesies, or even bowing/nodding the head.
Some observations:
- People have been nicer to me. I guess people feel pity, or compassion. I feel that some think I'm suffering more than I am. I sound very sick, but for the most part I feel alright (apart from some coughing, which seems worse when I'm trying to sleep).
- It has helped reaffirm in me the need to listen, and to think before you speak. I realise that sometimes the words that come out of my mouth can be a bit abrasive. By not speaking these things there hasn't been the same amount of "verbal jousting" that I occasionally have with certain people.
- I tend to talk less in group situations anyway (though I'm probably more talkative than I used to be), but not really being able to talk made me more aware how conversations can be about people competing to be heard. Some people get more attention than others, and some people seek more attention than others (and these two ideas aren't necessarily equivalent to each other).
- At times I have felt a little left out during the social gatherings, because I can't input whatever comes to mind, but have to limit to what is really worth writing.
- Interactions have generally been more… gentle. I don't know if I can fully describe it, but being able to only whisper I think makes people speak a little softer, and I guess it's the whole thing with people being more considerate/compassionate, and perhaps avoiding any verbal jousting that may otherwise occur.
- Some people have a big need to give advice - whether to drink lots of water, or honey, or whatever. Sometimes this can be a little annoying… probably when it's overdone and patronising.
On the whole I've actually found the experience quite refreshing, and I'm thinking that I should speak less frequently, even when my voice returns.
Sick
I had a very uncomfortable time sleeping last night. I had felt subpar for most of the day, but it wasn't too serious. Then, about half an hour before going to sleep I started feeling cold. Then I started shivering. Even in bed, where I'm usually quite snug and cozy I was feeling cold and shivering. A very strange sensation - feeling warm, but feeling cold as well. Eventually the shivering subsided, though it was difficult getting to sleep. I think my whole body was too tense.
Not surprisingly I woke up this morning not feeling too great, and didn't go to work.
Anyway, I thought I should post something, since I've neglected this blog in recent times.
Went to an enjoyable and challenging church retreat last weekend in Sydney. The facilities were excellent, and we had an awesome view of the sea.
And this Saturday I'm going snowboarding for the first time =) (I've been skiing once before, but most of the people I'm going with are snowboarding, so I thought I'd try it as well)
I guess I should get some rest and have an early night. Hopefully I'll have more to write soon. Take care everyone.
