Fury
I talked with mum yesterday about how I’m limited in what I can do (in relation to running a business) because I am just one person. This lead to the inevitable question, “Are you still single?” and associated questions. Well, I can’t remember conversations verbatim, but here’s a taste of what went on. Bear on mind this was in Chinese, in which I have a limited vocab, so some of it comes across a bit strange… or it might just be my sense of humour ;P hehe… I pretty much joke about it, while my mum is probably genuinely getting more worried as the years go by. Not that I want to worry her, but that her repeatedly asking the same kind of stuff doesn’t help, and I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do… it’s not like I DON’T want to find someone… anyway…Mum: Why is so hard for you to find someone?
Son: Because I’m just different.
M: Is it really so hard?
S: Well, yes. Everyone comes from different backgrounds these days. It’s not like we all grow up in the same village/town like it was with you and dad in Cambodia, and hence have similar expectations and backgrounds. The people I meet all come from varying backgrounds, and it doesn’t mean I can’t get along with them… it’s just more… difficult… finding someone of a similar vein.
M: Are you too slow and all the good ones have been taken already?
S: It’s not like I haven’t been trying.
M: How come other people can find someone?
S: I don’t know. I’m just different.
M: Are you preparing yourself to be a bachelor?
S: No, but I’m not holding out much hope. My friends say I’m still young, but time passes very quickly.
M: Yes, you are still young. Just don’t take too long. Not longer than 30 (years old). If you don’t make an effort to find someone you’ll find yourself old very soon.
S: It’s not like going to a supermarket to buy a chicken, “Hmmm… I want that one!” What do you expect me to do? It’s not like I can go outside and dig holes in search of one, “Are you there?”
M: If it’s so difficult, then dad can help you find one.
S: If dad’s going to do that there’s no way I’m moving back to Sydney! (My parents are looking to live in Sydney eventually)
Not exactly how the conversation went, but I’m sure you get the idea. I have my parents worrying that I’m getting on a bit and showing no signs of even getting a girlfriend. I have my friends telling me that I’m still young, that I have nothing to worry about. I have my heart telling me that this (love and marriage) is important to me. I have my experience telling me that I’m unwanted.
The end result? I give up. It’s all too difficult. It’s a load of rubbish distracting me, wasting my time and energy. I cannot be Mr Darcy. I am not Romeo. Nor am I Don Juan DeMarco. I am a neurotic, silly, conflicted and flawed clown named Son. I talk too much, think too much. I can be a no-nonsense realist such that the optimists will paint me a pessimist, while the pessimists can’t accept my idealism. I can be stubborn, contentious, quick-tempered and think that I am usually right, even if others won’t or can’t understand. I’ll laugh at my own obscure jokes, and joke with cynicism and sarcasm. I have a chip on each shoulder and darkness trying to press in on me. I hold fire caged within and am prone to moodiness and brooding. You might find me boring to be around. I am frequently self-absorbed and selfish. You might find me depressive and difficult to be around. I can be vague and distant, vacant and dreary. I might run a point into the ground. I can wallow in self-pity and all luck has deserted me. I can be lazy and I procrastinate. My time can waste away while I psychoanalyse why any action is futile, or be lost in a mindless state, attempting to avoid the wellspring of thoughts. I’ll focus on the problem rather than the solution. I’ll dwell on the past and what is real and present, rather than looking to the future with hope and enthusiasm. I don’t understand the people around me, just as I am unreasonable to them. Now you want to tell me that I’m wrong? I’m really not that hopeless – a decent person? There is nothing wrong with me – I’m not deadweight? Well, Sir, perhaps thou art sorely mistaken. Perhaps, Milady, thou hast not known me... the heart of me… broken… like so many souls in this fallen world. I am sorry. I cannot be the person you want me to be. I cannot be the person you expect me to be.
posted by Son @ 23:43
9 Comments:
As usual, my point is missed completely.
And no, Michael Douglas is not role a model. And no, the point is not about finding one that you want. It's certainly not about 'scoring' CZJ.
Yelitte: You can't have it both ways. I can be erratic, but I can be analytical and rational if I choose to be. Normally, one would not contradict thyself by saying first, "My advice, take Michael Douglas as ur role model." Then, coming back and saying, "nobody is asking u FOLLOW HIM OR USE HIM AS A MODEL."
And my point was certainly not to say there's an age-limit... of course there isn't, but at the same time most people would obviously not want to wait 'til they're in their dotage to get married.
Besides, that wasn't the point either, though the lack of understanding underlines one my points quite well.
Dalvin: I agree in that trusting in God doesn't mean you do nothing. But before making a concerted effort one must be able to discern what action to take. I'm not convinced that I should be making a concerted effort to "find someone". It's certainly not the top priority in life. People seem to misunderstand. No, I don't like being single, but what I also do not appreciate are the mixed and frequently misguided expectations and "advice" that people seem to have and want to give, varying between "don't worry, you'll find someone" and "nothing will happen if you don't do anything", etc. I don't need people to tell me these throw away lines. Of course I should continue to expect this, because my views aren't acceptable to the majority of people. Of course the solution is for me to shut up avoid these pointless conversations altogether.
Hi Son,
You really shouldn't worry about it too much. It is better to wait and find the right person than to submit to someone you are not certain about and then realise that being single is not so bad after all:)
It's only a matter of time - though a change of environment can work wonders.. hehe
Hope to see you at the end of the year, mate!
Hi Quincy, good to hear from you.
Well, it may not be a matter of time. There's no guarantees that I won't remain a bachelor.
Submit? Well, don't know about submit, but I'm certainly not going to settle for anyone (not that there's anything to settle for). No, I'd much rather give up on this. It's not worth all the rubbish that one has to go through.
my mum says to me "remember to grab onto the good ones"
me: what do you mean?
mum: keep contact with them, not saying u go out with them but keep them close (?)
-_-;;
haha… I guess that makes sense… the idea that things can happen if at least they know you're there. And since I believe that people become more attractive (as people) as you know more about them (i.e. you can see their inner beauty), then it's not a bad idea at all =P I would think that you'd keep people close because they're your friends though… and I would think that the "good ones" would make good friends? Several of the "good ones" have gotten married/are getting married, so I think I made good choices for friends eh? A bit sad though… married people will likely have less time for you… though it's inevitable most friends will get married eventually… and then it'll be even more lonely...
yeh.. when people start to go out and then eventually marry then they dont have as much time for you anymore..
i found that when i was going out with sam, i spent too much time with him..
and now i feel like i don't know many ppl anymore and i have to rebuild those friendships :)
i get what u mean.. but the way she said it is so.... evil :P
like "grab/hold onto all the good ones before they are taken"
ah.. true the more u know them and the more time the closer u get.. but then about attractiveness.. maybe it could happen the opposite way? like you see their bad sides and get scared hahaha
hehe... I know... it sounds kinda greedy and possessive too... like, don't let any get away! =P
hmm... yeah, I think you find that when you live with someone, whether it be a housemate or family... the little things they do start to annoy you more when you have to see them every day =P
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