Dreams
Dreams... a lot of them have disturbed my sleep this last week or so. The content of the dreams are not unusual... the more notable ones being flying on a plane that crashes into water (everyone survived and wandered around a building), killing a couple of big spiders in a house, everyday sort of things, something in a swamplike place with everyone else dying... and a host of other random, likely non-interesting stuff.
I don't really mind dreams... they're rather fun most of the time, except nightmares, which I don't really get... even seemingly scary things don't usually terrify me in dreams to the extent that I'd call them nightmares. (e.g. I was once shot full of arrows in a dream... but I wasn't distressed at all)
However... dreaming constantly throughout a single night is tiring... and for it to continue for a week? Well... let's just say I'm not particularly well rested. I just wonder why? I don't normally have a lot of dreams... I've gone for months without waking up remembering a single one. Is it stress? Or something else? Odd indeed. *shrug*
Reboot
It's been more than half a year since my last post. I have such a myriad of thoughts that I am not sure where to start. That is, I feel I have a lot to write, and that is why I am writing... yet no particular purpose to write except that I feel that I should.
It has been more than two months since I sold the shop, and since then life has been in a sort of limbo. A month of relaxation in Canberra, another month of idleness in Auckland, a few days in Sydney, and now here I am. It all seems a bit surreal, as if my life were a portrait and I had now stepped out of the picture frame and perused it upon a wall.
Auckland was wet, I had no car, and not much desire to do much... and thus, the majority of the time was spent at 'home', eating, watching tv, playing computer games. I only really went out to help at my parents' shop and incidentally wandered through the CBD (since that is where the shop is). Fortunately the last few days were relatively fair weathered and I was able to take my siblings out for a few days.
I used to call Auckland 'home'... and I guess I'll continue to do so while my family lives there, but I feel distant now while there. I have lost touch will all my high school friends, though I did meet a few of my relatives. It's been nearly a decade since I left NZ, and left the home of my parents. The independence means returning and fitting into the lifestyle of a family again feels at times inhibiting, at other times a relief (from having sole responsibility of 'looking after myself'). Along with not having my own room and no real purpose to my day-to-day activities, this created a feeling of remoteness that is still with me as I write this in Canberra. Life has been suspended.
And then there were the dreams. In recent times I have been relatively dreamless... if I dreamed, I rarely remembered in the morning. While I had the shop, one of the few benefits of living an extremely busy and tiring life was that when it came time to sleep, my body would shut down very quickly and seemingly made best use of my reduced sleeping hours by entering deep and dreamless sleep. Now, in NZ, I had plenty of time to sleep. My brother would sleep at 10.30pm (my parents even earlier for the shop), and as I stayed in his room, I would sleep at the Canberra equivalent of 8.30pm! At first I would wake up late in the morning after almost half a day of sleep, but after several days of this I adjusted to the time difference and stopped oversleeping.
You would think that so much sleep would make you feel energised right? Wrong, in my case for several reasons. One, the bed was not my own and was far too soft (i.e. lacked support). Two, I had been inactive for too long (i.e. a sedentary lifestyle). And three, I no longer had tiredness shut down the mind when it came time to sleep (i.e. it was harder to fall asleep because I was well rested and my mind would still be churning through thoughts). The consequence was less efficient sleep plagued by dreams.
Well, more random thoughts later.
Storm
Hi everyone... (or noone, as the case may be). I know I have been 'quiet' for a while now. I suppose it is in part because of that dreaded bane of these modern times - busyness... or is it busi-ness?
I once was a more contemplative person, a person who would think a lot, reflect upon things, and interpret life in rather obscure and oddball fashion. Now, it seems, I just 'do stuff'... and end up being too tired or weary to contemplate, reflect and think too much about things. I used to be accused of thinking too much... now I fear that I think too little.
Well, what can one expect when one gets old huh? haha.... I guess I am not senile yet. More and more I get the sense that not much makes sense in this life. That is, except that which is eternal and heavenly. *sigh* so many distractions... how I yearn for heaven.
Anyway, excuse the rambling of this tired old man =P
Here's something I wrote whilst thinking about summer storms:
Azure blue skies, a window unto the sun
Light drenched earth in submission
All is well in the world
My heart light and filled with joyOppressive heat, prisoner to the still air
Humid and sticky bodies captive
Tension disturbs my rest
Shadows hide upon the edge of sight
Cavernous thunder, bearing down upon ears
Lightning laced skies trace the horizon
The storm comes, first strike
My heart crumbles beneath the blow
Frenetic rain, cascading down slick pathways
Rapid drumbeats mute other sounds
All peace is shattered
Seemingly forever, has light ever reigned?
Deep midnight skies, a window unto the stars
A silver haze bathes portends the dream
Blessed respite at lastMy soul yearns in hope
It finally happened...
...my mum asked if I wanted her to introduce a girl to me.
!?!?!?
Mum called yesterday and almost inevitably I got the question, "Have you found a girlfriend yet?" After I answered "no", she went through the usual stuff:
- Why not?
- Is it that hard (to find one)?
- It can't be that hard, all your cousins, etc, in NZ have found partners.
- You'd better start searching, you'll be 30 soon.
Haha, at some point she asked me if I wanted her to introduce a girl to me, saying something about someone's daughter. I'm not even sure if she has met the girl herself, but apparently she's in uni and her mum wants her to meet someone (well, that's the impression I got... why else would my mum be suggesting this unless her mum and my mum were in cahoots?).
At any rate I was laughing at this point. I told mum that things just weren't done like this these days. She said something along the lines of, there's nothing wrong with it, it's not like you have to marry the girl, just see how it turns out.
Never mind the fact that she's in Auckland and I'm in Canberra. As if such a thing could deter a mum from wanting to arrange such things for their children.
Actually, my fundamental problem with set-ups is that if I'm aware of what's going on, then instantly things are awkward. Though I'm sure it would cause no small amount of amusement for my friends if were to tell them one day, "Well, I met (insert female name here) when my mum introduced her to me". As much as I like entertaining people, I don't think I'm quite ready for that step =P
Of course the more significant issue would be that what my mum would consider a good wife would likely differ substantially from what I would consider a good wife. For starters, she would have to love the Lord. I'm not sure what her other characteristics would be, but this is the uncompromisable element to it all. As for everything else? Well, I've been alive long enough to realise that whatever plans or expectations I have generally don't accord with what the Lord has in mind for me, unless He plans for me to be single that is.
Anyway, this particular facet of my life is well out of my control. As with everything, it is in God's hands, and I know that he has in mind the best for me, even if I cannot see it at times.
There is a time for everything,and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Pressure
I know I haven't really posted for a while, but don't feel like a thoughtful post right now... so instead, an amusing one...
A few months ago I was surprised with an MSN message from the mum of one of my childhood friends (I guess we're still friends... just that I don't have much contact with NZ anymore). We chatted a bit... and then... well, here's an extract from the history (I call her an aunt):
(aunt) R u have a girl freid yyet? (i.e. do you have a girlfriend yet?)
(Son) no, i don't have a girlfriend yet
(aunt) why u dont looking for 1
(Son) haha, right now i have no time for one
(aunt) haha u have to spend time after work
(Son) haha, has to be someone to spend time on first. Besides, I am very busy after work too
(aunt) ok wait ur busseniss setup normal and go to fund one dont wai to long (i.e. wait 'til things have settled down with the business and go find one)
(Son) haha, it's not so easy to find one
(aunt) I think have so many girls in auzi not like NZ
She had to go soon after that, but certainly a bizarre occurrence... that she MSNed me for one... and then the whole girlfriend thing.
And to continue the theme... last Sunday, I talked to my dad for a bit. He was asking about the business, and I told him that my staff had left and that I was working on my own at the moment. At some point, he made a semi-joke about finding a girlfriend so that there'll always be someone to help out at the shop.
A little while after that he was telling me to not take too long finding a wife. I asked him about the family moving to Sydney, and that lead to him asking me whether I'd move back to Sydney if the family moved there. I said probably. He said something about Canberra being so quiet and a comment about there being more chance of me finding someone in Sydney >.<
Now, I'm not sure if this is something my dad made up on the spot, but he sort of finished the conversation with something like this (remember that this is in Chinese, so translation's a bit off), "while you're still young you can still be the doing the choosing (able to choose who to court), whereas when you're older you'll be the one being chosen". Rough translation, but the meaning was along the lines of, while you're young, you've got options and can pick and choose a "good" girl. Things aren't so good if you leave it too late and then you're left with the dregs and whoever will have you. He was only half-serious, and was chuckling a bit, but strong hint, no?
The benefit of living here in whoop whoop land, away from family, is that I'm somewhat insulated from these sorts of pressures. I can imagine that if I were living at home there'd be a constant, subtle pressure about me being single. It's not that my parents' sole purpose in life is for me to father grandkids for them, but I think these last few years they've been just a touch concerned about my apparent inactivity in these endeavours.
Anyway, like I've told my parents before, it's not like shopping at a supermarket. Besides, even if there were options, I have no time for a courtship right now...
Facilitating Agent
Dissociation - it's a word I've used before to describe my state in this world; a state of disconnection and remoteness. In contemplating life recently a slightly different perspective occurred to me - facilitation.
Facilitation is where an activity, such as a project or task, is made easier or more efficient through a facilitating agent (whether a person or otherwise). This facilitating agent is not invested in the activity, and is not directly involved in the activity. That is, it is not integrated or integral to the activity - it is an externality that never fully engages in the activity or the activity's participants.
The crux of it all? A facilitating agent is a useful tool, but a tool nonetheless.
It is a measure of my dissociation from the world and those around me that I would identify myself as a facilitating agent. My actions and my relationships with even those close to me at times seem limited to this role. Rather than operating as part of a coherent whole, I fear that my path has largely been unintegrated with those around me. I would hope that the influence of my actions has and continues to be useful in the lives of others, but for the time being this ocean of dissociation that separates me from integration and intimacy with my fellow human beings prevents me from beaching upon that distant, sun-drenched shore.
If the warm sun never shone again,through this hazy, shadow-filled land,If light never pierces the gloom again,through the dark and wearied soul.If all else were passing splendour,nought but fool's gold and dust,If all this wasting flesh shed bare,revealed corruption and disease.I would dream once more, dear friend,dream.
Be a Man
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.-1 Corinthians 13:11
Did anyone tell you I am a moody person? Those who I have met relatively recently in my life may have missed that memo -
Psst! Be careful with Son, he's a moody one! That I have experienced God's love in my life has tempered the temperamental disposition somewhat. Even within the chaotic milieu that is my emotional and situational state there has increasingly been an amazing sense of peace and contentment as I have learnt to trust the Lord more.
Some of those who knew me in prior days probably still hold an anachronistic impression of me - predominantly quiet, brooding and serious. And then there are those who have only seen the cheeky and silly side of me that seems to dominate these days. But the darkness remains.
I have learnt not to regret the past, but I understand how deeply history shapes all of us. The question is
how our past shapes us. Quite obviously, growth is good. What isn't good is if you are held back by your past, if you are clinging to unhelpful habits or destructive tendencies.
You now probably have an idea of why I've quoted the particular Bible verse at the start of this entry. It is a verse that was quoted in a sermon I listened to last night. It was actually a sermon about courtship, and a man's role in courtship. (A working definition of 'courtship' is that is a process that is looking towards marriage, whereas 'dating' in today's world doesn't necessarily have that purpose.)
One of the key messages I took from the sermon was: be a man, or become a man. Now, at least within my circle of friends there has been wide circulation of a comedy routine of a guy called Russell Peters. At one point in his routine, in a Chinese accent, he says, "Be a man". So, along other particular humerous parts of this routine, some of my friends have been using that particular phrase (with a Chinese accent of course). We've all been saying that as a bit of a lark, a bit of fun, but it's true, what a lot of boys these days need to do is "be a man".
So what does it mean to be a man? What childish ways are we to put behind us? In this confused world, where God's created order has been reversed, it is sexist and politically incorrect to talk about the man's role, and the woman's role, in a marriage. Instead, both women and men are apparently meant to work out between them what the role of each is. The problem is that we confuse equality with sameness. That is, the thinking is that we are all to be treated the same, because this is equality. Well, that isn't God's view. He created both man and woman, and there is equality because both are created in God's image. However, we weren't created to be the same.
I know I haven't directly addressed the issue of what is means to be a man. My thoughts aren't clear enough to commit to paper at this point. I do think that I have a lot of work to do become a man, that in many respects I am still a boy. However, I do encourage you to listen to the talks on courtship.
Here's a intro from my friend Alan, who posted these talks on Multiply (thanks Alan):
"Mark is a preacher from Mars Hill Church in Seattle. Awesome sermons that are hilarious, encouraging, and biblical!! These sermons especially, on courtship/dating, are a good biblical guide for people thinking about these sorts of things. Listen to them in the car, on the train, at home, with your spouse, dog, parents, neighbours, just listen to them!!!!!!!
you can also check out his church website with HEAPS of resources and MP3s at www.marshillchurch.org"
Ok, so you don't have to log on to Multiply and become Alan's contact to download the talks, go to
http://media.marshillchurch.org/Then follow in the menu: sermons, practical topics, marriage. Then under the heading "Courtship", click on "go to downloads". I listened to the talks by Mark Driscoll. The first talk is split into 2 MP3s, and is more focussed on women, and the second talk is more focussed on men. However, both are practical and beneficial for both men and women (and boys and girls).
Ok, enough from me. Take care my friends.
